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BACK (YET) AGAIN

By LilyK

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I am a god. Now don't laugh. I AM. Honest. Okay. Okay. Let me tell you my story and then you can decide for yourself. How does that sound? Good. Sit back. Relax. This will take a while.

I guess I should start at the beginning. That is the usual place to start a story. I'd be more than happy to start at the beginning if I could remember the beginning! You're laughing again. What can I say? I'm old. Very, very old. Thousands of years old. I don't look it? Why, thanks! You're still laughing. If you don't sit back and shut up, this could take years. I have lots of time. You, however, do not. Ha, got ya. Don't look at me like that. Can I help it if I'm immortal? Blame it on… Well, I don't know who the hell you blame it on. Oh, well. Here goes. Yet again.

My name is Simon. No, just plain Simon. Yeah, I know that lots of times I use a surname. In my most recent tour of duty, I was known as Simon Banks. I'm a tall, dark and handsome guy. Ouch! Geez, tell a little fib and the guys upstairs get nasty. All right, already! I really don't have a 'look', but in my most recent tour of duty, where I was known as Simon Banks, I was a tall, dark and relatively good-looking guy. The glasses were part of my disguise.

Get to the point? You know, folks these days just don't have any patience. I can remember when storytelling was an art. A good storyteller could keep an audience entranced for two, three hours. Even the kids. Everybody sat at his feet with their eyes wide and their mouth open in awe of his or her abilities. Now you have video games, and television, and movies, and the net. Now, I warned the head guy about the net, but did he listen? Of course not! And look at the disaster. Chat rooms. E-mail. Amazon.com. The list is never ending. And slash? Where in hell did that come from? Sometimes you just have to wonder about humans.

Okay. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Slash. Which brings me to my story. 'Finally', I'm sure you're muttering under your breath. Let me get situated. Hang on, my sock is caught under my toe. That bugs the shit out of me. There. Ready.

Once upon a time… Oh, I forgot to mention. They're watching. And one of these days I'm going to have the ability to zap other gods in the ass also and everybody's going to be in big trouble. But for today, I guess I'd better get on with it. You comfy? Good. Have a beer or whatever. Coffee is my drink of choice. My favorite brew comes from the highlands of Colum… Ouch! No, I'm fine. It's just this lumbago. Geez.

Anyway, there were these two guys. Hmm? Oh, sorry. About a thousand years ago, there were these two guys. The rest of the gang and I were sitting around one morning and Permenia… she's the goddess of unrequited love… was in a bitchy mood. These two guys… Did I mention that Sermenia blessed one of the guys? She's the other gal's twin sister, by the way. Their mother had a thing about the names. She thought it was cute. Hell, it causes a lot of trouble. You're yelling for one and the other answers. What? Oh, sorry. Sermenia is the goddess of special gifts. She took a fancy to one of the new souls. Before he was sent out into the world, she gave him the gift of enhanced senses. Man, was the big guy pissed! Nobody, but nobody gets that gift unless he gives the say so. It causes nothing but trouble among those humans, believe me.

What kind? All kinds! The person thinks they're nuts. Everything is louder, smellier, prettier, uglier, noisier, closer, further. You get my point? Let's see if I can explain it better. Humans have five senses. You got that part? Cool. Yeah, gods can say cool. I like 'cool'. Don't distract me again. Where was I? Enhanced senses. Sight. Touch. Hearing. Smell. Taste. Taste is a real bitch when it's going haywire, believe me. You can get along with or without a lot of stuff, but getting along without eating just doesn't work very well for people. So all of this gifted person's senses are hyperactive. That means they can do things a normal human can't. This is supposed to be a gift, but it's a huge curse if it's not handled properly.

Enough explanations. Sermenia gives this baby soul the gift and before the big guy knows, the kid's born. It's too late, even for the BG. Once the gift's been bestowed, there ain't no refunds or exchanges. It's there forever. No, not for life. F O R E V E R. Got it? Cool. So the kid comes out with the senses and the trouble doesn't start until the kid starts to grow up. Don't ask me why. I don't have a clue. Seems that at least it doesn't drive a baby nuts. Maybe they just adapt. I don't know. The kid's in a tribe of indigenous people. What tribe? Damn. I can't remember back that far! Okay, okay. Let me think. I'll get back to you on that one.

The kid has these enhanced senses and he's about ten, and he having a bitch of a time controlling them. The shaman thinks the kid's possessed by evil spirits. They try all kinds of shit but nothing works. Then Mortumir, he's the god of calm and rational thinking, by the way. He gets this bright idea. Now we're not supposed to interfere. Right. Like that never happens. So Mortumir has a great idea. He can't take away the senses, but he decides that if there's a partner, a guide if you will, to help the one with the senses learn to control them, that might just work. So he lets loose a baby soul that's been waiting and sends it to the wrong fucking tribe.

No, I'm not kidding. He misjudges his aim and zap. The helper's soul goes into the neighboring tribe. The kid's born and guess what. This tribe and the other one hate each other. Go figure. Humans never learn. Whose name? Both? Well, they've had lots of names over the centuries. Why? Because they still haven't gotten it right! Stupid humans. So just to keep it straight and so I don't have to remember all the different names their moms and dads have given them, the hyperactive senses' guy is Jim. James Ellison in today's world. The other guy's Blair Sandburg. And I'm Simon Banks, police captain. I'm tall and dark and hand… Ouch! This is getting really old, really fast. Where was I?

The wrong tribe. Yeah. Great. But fate won't be fucked around with. Fate? Akulla is fate and he gets really pissed when things don't go his way. So when the nutso guy actually survives until he's about thirty, guess who he runs into when he's out hunting alone one fine summer day? You guessed it! The guide! So at first they're really leery of each other, but our hero, Jim, he feels this pull to the other guy, Blair. Yeah, I know. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet without the bad English. Anyway, the two kind of feel each other up… er, out first. They eyeball each other. Make small talk. Neither tries to kill the other so they figure they have something going, maybe.

They start meeting secretly each day and whenever Jim is with Blair, his senses don't hurt. He functions normally and in fact, whenever Blair touches him, he's able to use his special gift. He starts bringing lots of game home. He hears a tornado coming and saves the entire tribe. He tastes when some of the dried meat goes bad and he keeps the tribe from getting sick. Weird shit like that. One of the tribal elders gets suspicious and he sends spies out to follow Jim. And you guessed it. They catch Jim and Blair about to do the big nasty for the first time. They don't get much past the first few gropes when the spies descend and drag both of them back to the village and man, there is big trouble.

Oh, I don't think you want to hear that. I'm not sure it's a good idea. Why? Well, remember when I said Permenia is the goddess of unrequited love and that she was in a bitchy mood that one day? We didn't know it then, but she zapped Jim and Blair with her poison dart and that meant that their two souls were destined to go through lives meeting, falling in love and getting wiped out before their love was consummated. Over and over. I though it sucked so I filed a complaint.

Well, I won, I think. The good thing is that the big guy sided with me. He couldn't take back the senses or the unrequited love thingy, but he told me that if I could somehow get the two of them together just once and they did it, they would be together forever. What do you mean, did what?

IT! You know what I mean. Sealed their bond. Became one. Made love. Fucked each other's eyeballs out. Fell in love. That sort of thing.

You don't approve? You think it matters about parts A and B? Why can't two part As fall in love? Or two part Bs? You think the heart cares about the outside shell? Geez, get a life. You want to hear this or not? I can go very easily. I have a lot of work to do. Places to go. People to meet. Things to do. I'm a damned busy fellow.

You keep interrupting me and I lose my place. Oh, right. The bad part. The tribe did a very bad thing. They killed the helper… he's the Guide, you know. Jim, our Sentinel, put up a huge fight and he died also. It was a sad day. What? Oh, a Sentinel? That's the 'modern' word for someone like Jim; someone with hyperactive senses. He's known as a Sentinel and Blair is his Guide. The Sentinel is the watchman and the Guide protects the Sentinel. It's very complicated but easy to understand.

So this had been going on for the last thousand years and I was damned tired of it. I was ending this whole thing this time around. I knew it seemed hopeless, but I'm a hopeless romantic. Nah, make that a hopeful romantic. See, this time, Jim's this big badass cop and Blair's this anthro grad student geek, kind of mismatched, but they've made it through three years. Three years together. They'd become very close and that week was the big trial. No, not that kind of a trial. Not with lawyers and judges. A life or death kind of a trial.

Don't ask me what they were thinking, but the gods were bored so they dangled this big old carrot in front of Blair. A huge pile of money and the fame he never thought he'd have. The trade-off was he loses Jim. I know it wasn't nice, but it was fair. He had to decide and I was going to help him. Why not? I was perfectly capable of influencing Jim. I'd talk to him, I decided. Make him see that Blair's the one for him. That they're in love. That they belong together.

Blair wouldn't take the fame and fortune. I know I sound sure of myself. I was sure of myself. I think I was, anyway. I just didn't know that I'd be sidelined for the big finale. When I'm in human form, I'm kind of susceptible to human stuff. If I kicked the bucket, so to speak, I'd just pop back up in the old hang out and watch the goings-on. The human body would die but my consciousness wouldn't. I'd visit with the other gods in the halls of Valhalla or where ever the hell it is we hang. Darn, I got sidetracked again. Oh, yeah.

I didn't see it coming, but my body took a bullet right through the back and it dropped me like a rock. It would have been better to have the old body bumped off right away so I could have gotten those two boys together, but no, I have to live and get all hooked up to crap in the hospital. I tried to get the big guy to let me out but he'd hear none of it. So I hung out and lay around and finally the old limbs and torso recovered enough that they let me loose.

We planned this little surprise for Blair at the bullpen. Jim wanted to ask him to join us officially and I told him I'm all for it. I don't want to lose either one of them and they belong together, so we have a little get together. Jim tossed Blair the badge and even though Blair looked pleased, he looked kind of taken aback, too. He didn't know what to say.

Jim took his few words for a 'yes' and soon we all were laughing and talking like Blair's already a cop. I wasn't sure what was up and I wanted to talk to Blair privately. I cooled my heels for about fifteen minutes, then I asked Blair to push me to the men's room to take a leak. Push me? Oh, right. I was still a bit off, physically, and the doc made me take a damned wheelchair around the block a few times. Not a bad idea, really. My back hurt like the devil.

Blair grinned at me and took over wheelchair duties with his usual good graces. When we got to the men's room and I saw that it was vacant, I finally asked the big question.

"Sandburg, what do you really think about attending the Academy? And don't fuck with me, okay?"

Blair looked at me with those expressive eyes and never batted an eyelash. "I need to think about it."

"I can see why that would be necessary. This is a big step and a huge commitment." I rose with a bit of help from Sandburg, and unzipped.

"Yeah, Simon. It is. Thanks, though, for asking me. You know, just in case."

"Just in case?" Finished, I zipped back up and walked gingerly to the sink. This human body had lots of things to say that day and mostly, it wasn't very happy.

He smiled. "Just in case I decide to do something else. I appreciate everything you've done for me."

I smiled and clamped a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. I think you'd be a great asset to the department." I watched as Blair grinned at me and I added, "And I like you, Sandburg. You're like fungus. You grow on a guy after a while."

Blair rolled his eyes at me. "Thanks. I think," he added, laughing that deep Sandburg laugh.

That was when I decide to put the idea in his head that he and Jim should get closer. And I mean a lot closer. I cleared my throat and said, "Sandburg, how do you feel about Ellison?" I washed my hands.

Blair looked surprised for a moment. Then a flash of uncertainty crossed his face before it quickly changed to curiosity. "In what way, Simon? You know I admire Jim more than anyone I've never known."

"I mean in a more personal way, Blair." I used his first name to make our conversation seem more confidential.

"Personal?"

"Yes." I washed my hands a second time.

Blair looked genuinely confused. "You mean as in best friends or something else?"

"Something else."

"Oh." Blair fidgeted for a moment and didn't ask any more questions about what I was implying. Unfortunately, two guys came in before I could delve further into this problema. Blair tossed me another funny look. "You finished? I'll push you back to the bullpen."

I dried my hands and sat back in the chair. I sighed heavily. "Yeah, I'm finished." In more ways than one, I figured.

The small party broke up. Jim, Blair dropped Naomi - just for the record, she's Blair's mother - off at a hotel. She decided that they needed some space. Sometimes Naomi's a big pain in the ass and other times, she knows what's what. Anyway, the boys go to the loft. The rest of the guys went home. Rafe dropped me off at home where Daryl waited to help his old man to bed. Daryl helped me out and I lay there, uncertain what my next step should be. I could give both of them a box of condoms with the other's name on it. I could accidentally mention that they should screw each other's eyeballs out. I could ask them if they've ever been in love with another guy before. I could shut up and hope for the best. Nah.

I was almost asleep when a big old lump of something was sitting on my chest. I had a hard time breathing and I opened my eyes. It's Sermenia. I knew there must be big trouble.

"Get up, Simon. Perm's causing trouble again."

I groaned. "Not again. Doesn't she ever get tired?"

"Nope. Come on. Let's do something about this. I'll help."

Before the BG knows what I was up to, I left my human body on the bed, sound asleep, and I followed Sermenia quickly. We zapped into the loft and I was tickled pink when I saw Jim and Blair on the sofa, sitting fairly close, talking quietly. They couldn't see us, of course. Jim looked like he was going to cry and Blair was comforting his friend. I couldn't resist. I had to listen in for just a bit.

"Chief, are you sure? You don't have to decide this quickly. Simon will wait."

Blair nodded and patted Jim's arm. "I'm sure, Jim. Actually, I've thought about this for more than a few months now. I've known for a while that I couldn't turn in my diss the way it was. Actually…" Blair reached over to the coffee table and snagged manila folder. He handed it to Jim.

Jim opened it and his mouth dropped open. "You already filled out an application?"

"Yes. A week ago. Even before this Graham shit started."

"Blair, I… I don't know what to say. I was so wrong about you." Jim raised his eyes to Blair and then he looked away quickly, embarrassed. His cheeks were fire engine red and he bit his lip.

Blair lovingly put a hand on Jim's cheek and turned his face so that their eyes meet. "Jim, tonight you are going to know all of my secrets. I want to be your partner. I want to be a cop. And I want you."

"Me?" Jim's voice was soft and low and very surprised.

Blair nodded. "Yes, Jim. You."

"You mean…" Jim blushed even brighter red, if possible, and stammered in a very un-Jimlike manner. "Oh, God. Me? Why… how… Blair?"

"I love you."

"Me?" Jim repeated, still astonished.

Blair laughed. "Ah, you're the only one here, Jim."

Jim opened his mouth and closed it. He opened it again and when he tried to speak, nothing came out. He clamped his mouth close and in the next breath he had his arms wrapped around Blair and they kissed. Slowly and longingly. Over and over. Tasting, touching, moaning, licking…

Suddenly, the entire world rocked. Well, Prospect Street rocked. It was that bitch, Permenia! She decided that an earthquake would stop this little consummation. The humans panic. Jim jumped up and grabbed his almost-lover's hand. The room tilted crazily and the floor dropped a good foot out from under their feet. They both are knocked from their feet into a painful heap. Jim crawled toward the door, calling to Blair, who followed closely. Jim pulled himself up by the doorknob and grabbed Blair's shirt. He pulled the door open and pushed Blair out first. They ran down the hall amid falling plaster and breaking water pipes. Jim pounded on the neighbor's door. When no one answered, he kicked it open. Both men race through the apartment and when they discovered no one is home, they took to the stairs.

The second floor apartments were vacant for renovation. The ground floor business was closed for the night. Jim and Blair knew that the building was empty so they made a beeline for the first floor. Just a few steps from the front door, the ceiling fell in, knocking them from their feet yet again and burying them in debris.

Blair coughed and dug his way out, calling frantically for Jim. He dug quickly, tossing wallboard and junk from his partner's body. He uncovered Jim, who was unconscious. With his adrenaline running high, Blair maneuvered Jim to his back and then he wrapped his arms under Jim's armpits and laced his fingers together. He took a deep breath, coughed twice, and heaved Jim up from the floor. He dragged Jim the last five feet to the door and with his butt, he pushed it open. He pulled Jim through and across the sidewalk. Hands suddenly helped Blair with his burden and he was guided into the middle of the street, away from falling debris.

People from the neighborhood and from the cars that had stopped haphazardly in the roadway were milling about. Two of the helpful folks had taken Jim to a safe space and laid him on a blanket. Somebody put a coat behind his head. Blair raced to his side and fell to his knees. He brushed the dirt and plasterboard dust from Jim's face. Somebody handed him a bottle of water and he glanced up quickly, thanking the person. He opened the top and poured some of the water into his hand. Blair gently patted Jim's face with the cool liquid. He carefully rubbed some of the water over Jim's lips and cleaned his face and nose of the irritating substances so that he could breath more easily.

Luckily, it wasn't very long before Jim moaned and his eyes finally fluttered open. The paramedics had arrived on the scene just about the same time that Jim was finally fully conscious. He sat up and drank some water. Blair hovered a few feet away while the paramedics examined him thoroughly, finding a small bump on his temple. He waved off their ride to the hospital with a word of thanks. They smiled and told him to take care, then they went on to help other folks.

Blair was instantly at Jim's side. He helped him to his feet and Jim wrapped an arm around his partner's shoulder, both for support and, from the look on Jim's face, just because it felt damned good. Jim leaned down a few inches and told his partner a bit of information: "Thanks, Chief. I love you, too." He placed a single gentle kiss on Blair's ear, and from where I was hovering, I could see Blair shiver.

Blair looked into Jim's smiling blue eyes and gave his love a huge grin that said 'I love you' in Technicolor. He nodded slightly and whispered, "Let's call Simon. He'll let us bunk there for tonight."

Jim nodded and after a light hug to his partner, he borrowed a cell phone from a bystander. Daryl came right away and picked up Jim and Blair. When they got to my home, I yelled at them from the bedroom. I was recuperating. Remember? They came in and I eyeballed them thoroughly.

"You two okay?"

"Yeah, Simon. We're fine. Thanks," Blair answered.

"Blair saved my life," Jim added.

"And this is news?" I answered smartly.

Jim gave me a huge grin. "No, sir. Just the usual. He saves my life every single day."

"That he does, Jim. About time you remembered that. Now go wash up. Then eat. Then go to bed. Good night." I turned to my side and dismissed the troops.

"Yes, sir," Blair quipped, practicing his new profession a bit early.

"Smart mouth," I muttered.

They left and suddenly, Permenia hovered over my bed. "You will not win. I'll stop this."

I sat up. "Excuse me, missy. This is my house. You haven't been invited in. The rules state you must be invited. Out." I pointed a finger toward the door.

Permenia laughed cruelly. "Invited? This isn't Buffy! I'm not a vampire. I don't have to be invited into a human's home!" She stuck her nose in the air.

Instantly, Sermenia popped in; huge, dusty book in hand. "Think again, dear sister. Paragraph 22334, Part 2044, Subparagraph 219BC, states unequivocally, 'You must formally request admittance into another god's dwelling when he or she inhabits his or her human form. Otherwise, permission to enter is universally denied without the express vocal or written permission of said god in said human form.' With those words, Sermenia stuck out her tongue at her sister.

"You little bitch!" Permenia hissed. "Mom always liked you best."

Sermenia flipped her long, red locks. "I'm prettier, that's why. And smarter." She flitted off.

Permenia followed, totally incensed. "Prettier? Smarter? You idiot. We're identical twins." She followed her sister and after a very disgusted backward glance at me and after she flipped me off with both hands, she disappeared.

I sighed happily and after plumping the pillows, I laid back down. Luckily this apartment was built with inferior products. The walls are paper-thin. I also have great hearing. After all, I'm a god. Remember?

I heard the muffled voices. I heard the bedsprings creaking. I heard the small moans and pants that grew louder with every passing second. I smiled and wondered if the tube of lube and box of condoms on the nightstand had anything to do with the noises I was hearing. I heard something that almost made me laugh out loud. I heard Ellison yelling at the top of his lungs, "Harder, Blair. Oh Yes! Right there. Yesyesyes! Blllaaaiirrr!"

I grinned foolishly, relieved that Daryl knew these two were in love and wouldn't be calling the cops when he heard all the goings-on. I buried my head between two pillows and wondered what my next assignment would be. Something interesting, I was sure.

Life is good. Being a god is even better.

The End