Finally

by LilyK

I can't remember having such an awful day in a long time. There was blood everywhere. People were screaming and crying. Children were frightened and calling for their parents. The sights and sounds of the school bus crash were too much to process even for the most seasoned veteran of war and police work. All those kids hurt, but by divine providence only the drunk driver of the other vehicle was killed. Or by divine retribution it seems.

I was this close to losing it several times, but I managed to hold it together for the kids and for my partner. And Jim? Well, Jim was strong and steady and helpful until we got home. Jim always waits until he gets home before he falls apart, and even then, it's quiet. Jim Ellison hardly ever raises his voice.

I can see from the look in his eyes that he's about at the end of his senses. He's struggling for control desperately so I insist on driving home. Jim just glares at me through bloodshot eyes and his hands that tremble ever so slightly as he passes over the keys wordlessly. On the drive home, he sits with his head back, eyes closed. I can tell he's not asleep, just totally exhausted. We haven't had a real vacation for at least four months. Not even a long weekend to collapse and recuperate.

Jim is a strong person but he can only take so much, then the tight control of his senses starts to crumble. I know he needs some serious down time. When we make it to the loft, I park quickly and trot around to help him out of the truck. He growls at me but he doesn't push me away when I slip an arm around his waist. He reluctantly slides his arm across my shoulders and we walk into the building holding onto each other. We ride up the elevator silently and walk to our door. The hall light is out again so I fumble for the key in the darkness.

Jim grouses, "Give me those keys, Sandburg, or we'll be out here all night."

He takes the key ring from my fingers and expertly locates the correct one in about half a second. The corner of his mouth comes up in a bit of a smirk as he hands it to me. I open the door and try to walk through but Jim is still glued to my side. He doesn't seem all that anxious to release me. And the funny thing is I haven't let go of his waist yet. It feels just too good to be this close to him. Our eyes meet and we both smile a bit tentatively at each other. I reluctantly release my hold of his warm body. Jim slips his arm from my shoulders and as I watch his face, I see him close his eyes and shudder just a bit. I bite my lip. There is no way I'm letting him out of this apartment for at least 72 hours. He needs to rest.

I realize that he has been grounding his senses with the feel of my body next to his so I smile and take his hand, tugging him into the loft, closing the door and locking it behind us.

"Come on," I say and I keep hold of his hand while I lead him towards the bathroom. "Wait," I tell him and I go in and turn on the light and the shower. "There you go," I say softly. Jim just nods and goes in, closing the door behind him.

I trot up the stairs and find Jim clean underwear. I pick out a gray cotton muscle tee that happens to be a particular favorite of mine, and navy blue silk boxers. I take them down the stairs and stop outside the bathroom door. I can hear the shower running so I hope it's safe to open the door a crack and put the clothing within easy reach for him. I don't even attempt a quick glance at my partner. I'm too tired to stay awake half the night with longings and dreams of Jim. No use fanning the flames of that particular fire, so I don't go there.

After I retrieve some clean underwear for myself in anticipation of a nice, hot shower, I go into the kitchen and throw together a couple of roast beef sandwiches. It's early enough to cook but neither of us is in the mood tonight. We do need some food though, so this will have to do. I know Jim will eat without even tasting and go to bed immediately. He's that exhausted.

Jim comes from the steamy bathroom and gives me a gentle smile. "Thanks, Chief."

"You're welcome." I know he's talking about the clothes and the sandwich he sees I've made for him. Funny how sometimes we don't even need full sentences to understand what the other is saying. You'd think we were partners, and friends, and roommates, and lovers. You'd be correct except for the last part. Not lovers. How I wish we were. But I'm happy for what I have with Jim. I don't know what I'll do when he finally meets "the one". He's still looking for her, I think, for the woman of his dreams.

"I made you a sandwich," I tell him as I head to the shower just so I can hear his voice. I love Jim's voice. It makes me feel safe and protected.

"Yeah, Sandburg, I can see that," he answers with a quiet chuckle.

I just smile and shrug and disappear behind the bathroom door. After a hot shower, I'm feeling a bit more human. I come out of the bathroom, expecting that Jim's already eaten and gone up to his room, when I see that he's sitting on the sofa. I cross to where he's sitting and he looks up at me and smiles.

"You need to eat, Chief." Jim points out the sandwich and a glass of milk that he's thoughtfully put on the coffee table for me. I guess we're looking out for each other tonight.

"I'm not really hungry after today, but I know I need to eat something," I say tiredly, so I sit down next to Jim and pick my sandwich, eating quickly. He sits quietly next to me, and while I'm drinking the last of the milk, he moves just a bit closer so that our thighs are touching. I put down the glass and look into Jim's face. He doesn't have to tell me what he needs, I know.

I turn and lay back against the side of the sofa, putting a couple of pillows behind me, making myself comfortable. I sigh as my body sinks into the comfort of the soft material. I put one foot on the floor and bend the other leg against the back of the sofa, making an inviting space between my legs.

"Come here," I say softly as I hold out my hand. Jim cocks his head for a second. The loft is dark with only a couple of nightlights on, but there is just enough light so that I can see his expression. He smiles over at me and I smile back, wiggling my fingers at him, beckoning. He takes my hand and squeezes gently, then he lies down with his head on my chest. He slides his right arm around my back and keeps a hold on my fingers with his left hand. He turns his body at his waist and curls his long legs up, settling in comfortably. I run my fingers gently on the nape of his neck and I sigh contentedly as I feel his body relax into mine.

If it wouldn't have been off limits, I would have suggested we share his bed, but I'm not sure how Jim would have reacted to that request. I'm not sure I want to bring up something like that, but I do know that things have changed between us lately. I can tell Jim's moving closer to me, both physically and emotionally. I catch him watching me, observing quietly, like he's taking notes, studying me. He doesn't say anything and when our eyes meet, he always just smiles. Nothing much, really, but it's been happening a lot more recently.

I've also noticed that after a particularly trying experience, like today, Jim is quite amenable to being pulled close to me. We haven't talked about it, but the Guide in me senses his need. I'm just glad we've progressed to the point in our relationship where he can accept this small comfort from me. I sigh deeply while I stroke the back of his warm neck, running the tips of my fingers along the soft hairline. God, I love Jim Ellison. I wish I could just tell him. But I can't. Not now. Maybe not ever. How I wish that a shaggy-haired, motor-mouthed, overly energetic, enthusiastic anthropologist-turned-detective was what he was looking for. I guess I just have the wrong equipment for him. Sometimes life is just not fair.

I crane my neck to the side and put my hand to the middle of Jim's back. I look at his face, soft and relaxed in sleep. His breathing is slow and regular and his fingers are relaxed in mine. I enjoy the feel of his heart beating against the palm of my hand. Even though I know he's asleep I'm reluctant to move a muscle. He's heavy against me, but I don't care. As long as he's in my arms, that's good enough for me. I slide into sleep just a few minutes later.

When I wake several hours later, I peer down and notice that Jim's eyes are open.

"Hey," I say quietly.

"Hey, yourself, Chief."

"You okay?"

"No, but I will be soon."

I smile just a bit. I'm not sure how to respond to that statement. "Ah, good, I think."

"Blair?"

I'm so warm and content right now I can hardly talk. "Hmmmm?"

"What would you say if I asked you to move this to my bed?"

I know Jim felt my body stiffen immediately at his question because he raises his head and our eyes meet. I am so shocked I can't speak. Jim's face tenses quickly and he tries to rise from the sofa. I quickly slide a hand behind his head and stop his retreat.

"Jim, I'd say yes," I blurt out.

Jim watches my face for several seconds before he speaks. "Really? For a second there, I felt you react when I asked you. I thought you were, ah, disgusted about my suggestion."

I look directly into Jim's eyes and use every bit of sincerity I can possibly convey. "God, Jim, no. I was just so surprised. I'm shocked, really. Do you mean it?"

"Sandburg, why would I say it if I didn't mean it?" Jim scowls at me.

"But why, Jim, why now?" I ask a bit breathlessly. It's a stupid question, but I have to know, I have to ask it.

"Because." He shrugs.

I chuckle quietly. "Oh, good, because."

Jim smiles at me and with one finger, he traces the outline of my lips with the tip. Then it continues to travel across my cheek and along my jaw line. "You need a shave, Chief."

I feel myself blush and I push up on my elbows, trying to rise. Jim swings his legs to the floor, sitting up and he puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Forget it, buddy-boy, no way I'm letting you shave tonight." He runs the back of his fingers across my stubble. "I like it," he whispers huskily.

I find myself grinning into Jim's face. "Okay, Jim." I swallow quickly and he hears my throat clicking dryly.

"Blair, are you nervous?"

I nod. My verbal skills are failing rapidly.

"Me, too. Are you sure?"

I nod again.

"Me, too. Are you ready?"

Now those verbal abilities are in total meltdown as I nod yet again.

"Me, too," Jim says.

Finally! My mind screams. Jim stands and reaches out for my hand. I slip it into his and rise. The bands of steel that grip my fingers are a touch as light as angel's wings. Nothing could separate us now. He slowly walks across the loft and up the stairs. He leads me to the side of the bed and pulls back the covers, finally releasing his light hold on my hand. Jim slides into the bed and holds up the blankets, inviting me to join him. I am very solemn when I slide across the bed to look into the face of my lover. Jim pulls the covers over us totally, creating our own warm cocoon. His arm encircles my waist, tugging me closer until we are pressed against each other. Jim smiles at me shyly and I return his smile, then I tuck my head under his chin and slip my arm under his and around his back. I close my eyes and just feel. I feel Jim's warm body pressing against mine. I feel Jim's heart beating against mine. I feel Jim's breath against the top of my head when he places a tender kiss on my scalp. I feel everything for Jim Ellison. My arm tightens and so does his.

"I love you, Blair," Jim tells me breathlessly.

Now I finally get to say it. "I love you, Jim. So much."

Jim sighs and makes a tiny "mmm" sound as he settles against me. I've never heard such a sound of contentment before. It thrills my soul and calms my body. I melt into my lover and we drift off to sleep thinking about love and contentment and each other. This is what I've wanted. This is what I've needed. Finally.

The End