Just the Way You Are

by LilyK

Author's Notes: A good friend was sick so to make her feel better, I took her illness and gave it to Jim. <g> Please note the text between the plus signs (+) is what appears on Blair's laptop.

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I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Billy Joel

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I sat quietly in a corner of the ambulance, cold and scared, my eyes focused on my lover, Jim Ellison. All I could do was watch while the paramedics efficiently worked on him. A young black man kept checking his vitals and relaying the information to his partner, an older blond-haired guy. The older man made notes with a black Bic pen on the clipboard he held. Watching the pen skitter across the page, I noticed he wrote with his left hand. Funny how it’s the little things you notice when your entire life is crashing down around your ears.

The radio crackled to life. The older EMT answered. "Trauma unit 48."

"This is Dr. Roberts, Cascade ER. I'm Mr. Ellison's personal physician. What's his status?"

I sighed thankfully at hearing the familiar voice over the airwaves.

"Patient is unresponsive. On O2. Pulse, weak and thready. Respiration, 26. Temp, 104.6. BP, 90/50. He's been ill for seventy-two hours with fever, chills, headache and nausea. Patient experienced pain in his head, centralized in his left ear, before losing consciousness."

"Copy that, Trauma 48. Start a saline drip. Patient suffers from severe allergies. Please do not administer any meds other than saline."

"Copy, Dr. Roberts. No meds. Saline only. ETA is six minutes. Out."

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"Exam room four, please." Dr. Jeff Roberts called to the paramedics the moment they rushed through the double doors. He followed the gurney while the EMTs called out Jim's latest vitals and repeated the night's events to the doctor. At the door, Jeff turned to me. "Blair, grab a chair. You know I'll take good care of Jim."

I nodded, feeling totally helpless. I watched while Jim disappeared from my sight. I tried to peer through the window blinds, but they were tightly closed. Sighing and tugging at my hair, I made my way back to the waiting room. Fishing my cell from my jacket, I made an important phone call.

"Banks."

"Hey, Captain."

"Sandburg? What's wrong?"

I almost smiled. "How did you know?"

"Your voice, Detective. After all, I'm the captain. What's happened?"

"Jim's really sick, Simon. He collapsed and I couldn't wake him up. He's burning up with fever. He's in the ER right now."

"I'll be right there."

"Wait…" I actually did smile when the dial tone rang in my ear. Simon didn't even bother waiting for me to tell him that it was okay; that he didn't have to spend the night sitting beside me in the waiting room while I worried about my lover. He didn't ask if Jim or I needed him. That's the kind of friend the captain is. Simon wouldn't think of staying home, warm and comfortable, while one of his friends was in trouble. That just wasn't his way. I pocketed my phone and rose, restlessly pacing the small area.

Simon showed up in about thirty minutes, bearing hot coffee from Starbucks. I raised an eyebrow.

"Starbucks, Captain? A bit expensive, isn't it?"

"Sandburg, I wanted to treat you, all right? Can't I do anything for friends without getting the third degree?"

I gratefully took the cup of Mocha Valencia--my favorite. "Thanks, Simon." I hated hearing my voice so unsure but I was worried out of my mind over Jim.

Simon picked up on the vibe right away. With a strong hand on my shoulder, he said, "He'll be okay, Blair."

I sighed. "I hope so, Simon. He is so sick! I've never seen Jim that sick before."

"Come on. Let's sit down."

"I can't sit. I'm too anxious. You sit, Captain. I'll just pace. I need the exercise," I added with a bit of a smile.

Chuckling, Simon sat. He took a sip or two of his coffee before he asked, "Blair, I thought it was just a cold or the flu?"

"Me, too, Simon. You know Jim. He didn't complain much, but he must have been feeling pretty bad for a couple of hours before he collapsed. I checked on him constantly and he kept saying he was okay. I took his temp about an hour before he passed out and it was around 101." I sighed, shaking my head. I paced a few more steps before I said, "I think he had the pain dialed down, Simon, until his body just pitched a fit."

I automatically drank the coffee, not even tasting the savory flavor of my preferred blend. When Simon looked at me expectantly after I tossed the empty cup in the trash, I licked my lips. "Thanks, Simon. That was delicious."

Simon smiled. "Good. I'm glad you liked it."

I started pacing again, glancing at my wristwatch. "It's been almost an hour, Simon. What could they be doing?"

Simon rose. "I'll see if my captain's badge will get me any info."

"Okay, Simon. Thanks."

I followed Simon when he approached the nurse's station and questioned the woman on duty. While she tried to be helpful, she didn't really know anything that she could pass along, other than he was receiving the best care.

Back in our uncomfortable seats, Simon asked, "Did you call his doctor?"

"Yeah, first thing. Jeff's with him."

"He knows about Jim, right?"

"Yes."

"He'll take care of him, you know that, don’t you Blair?"

"Yeah, I know. I just can't help but worry."

"I know, Sandburg. I'm worried too."

I paced for another thirty minutes, then I sat for ten. Another pacing session and, finally, Jeff emerged from the exam room, a grim look on his face. I was immediately terrified.

"Jeff?" I whispered, my throat instantly dry.

"Blair, let's sit down." He put a hand on my arm.

I pulled out of his gasp forcefully. "No! I don't want to sit down! Damn it, what's going on?"

"You may not need to sit down, Blair, but I do." Jeff sank into one of the hard, plastic chairs. He ran a hand through his short, blond hair and sighed.

I stood, hands on hips, and glared down at him. When he looked up at me, my blood froze. I swallowed and sat down beside him. Simon moved from his chair a few places away to sit on Jeff's other side.

"Jim's in serious condition, Blair. We had a big problem with his reaction to drugs. He suffered anaphylactic shock while we… while I was administering an antibiotic. I'm really sorry, Blair. I was being careful. I used a drug that Jim had taken previously, but this time he reacted negatively to it. I've had to intubate him." Jeff leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. He hung his head before he sat back again. "He's really a fighter, Blair, but he's very sick. The infection ruptured both eardrums. His fever spiked to 105 and he convulsed. With everything happening at once, it was a race against time to keep him breathing, lower his temp, find an antihistaminic that he would tolerate, and treat the infection at the same time."

"Tell me he's going to be okay, Jeff. That's all I want to hear."

"Blair, we're doing the best we can. He's on his way to ICU right now. He'll be watched constantly. I'm staying right here until the worst has passed and he takes a turn for the better."

Simon moved from his spot beside Jeff to sit beside me. He put a warm hand on my shoulder. I unconsciously moved my hand up to cover his, needing some strength to hold myself together. Simon, wonderful man that he is, just covered my hand with his and held on.

"May I see him, please?" I asked in a very quiet voice.

"The usual visitation for family--"

"Fuck the usual visitation, Jeff!" I bit my lip. "Sorry. Sorry. Please, Jeff."

Jeff stood and nodded. "Okay, Blair. Settle down. Come with me. Captain Banks? You might as well go on home. Blair will need a ride home in a few hours so you might come back later."

"I'm staying here," I stated adamantly.

"Blair, we're setting some ground rules right now. I'm Jim's doctor. I only want what's best for him. I know you love Jim." When I turned my face away, exasperated, Jeff grabbed my arms, forcing me to look at him. "Blair, I'll do what's best for Jim and for you. This is my job, just like being a detective is yours. Do you understand me?"

I looked into the serious green eyes. "Yes."

"Good. Now, the captain will come back in a few hours to take you home. You may sit with Jim, but believe me, if you interfere with his care in any way, then I'll have no problem sending you packing. Okay?"

"Okay, Jeff. You're in charge." I ran a hand through my tangled hair. "I just feel so helpless!"

Jeff sighed. "We all feel like that sometimes. Jim needs you to be strong. Come on. Let's go and see him."

I turned to Simon. "Thanks, Captain. I'll see you in a bit."

Simon nodded. "It's 3:15. I'll be back about 6:30?"

"Okay, Simon. I'll meet you outside the main entrance."

"Good night, Doctor."

"Good night, Captain."

Jeff talked as we walked down the corridor and waited for the elevator. "Blair, I'm not at all happy about what happened. Are you sure you have enough confidence in me to continue Jim's care?"

"Listen. You care about Jim. I want you to take care of him. Believe me, I understand about the drugs. With Jim's senses, it's always a gamble on how he's going to react." I turned to Jeff. "You've been a big help many times with Jim's senses. It took us a long time to decide on a physician we both could trust. You know and understand Jim's physical condition as well as I do. So let's not talk about our confidence in you again. You're whom we trust. Now tell me what I need to know. Please, Jeff."

"Thank you, Blair. I'll do the best I can." Jeff put a hand on my shoulder. "He's on a ventilator, Blair, so be prepared. The infection is pretty bad, as was his drug rejection. I'm hoping that his hearing won't be affected by this, but I can't honestly say until he's awake and the infection clears."

We entered the elevator and Jeff hit the fourth floor button. "He's on heavy duty antibiotics and I have him sedated. If he were conscious, he’d be very uncomfortable with all that’s going on. I thought it best."

"How's he reacting to these drugs?"

"I tested Jim thoroughly just like I always do. This round of meds hasn't been rejected so, in that regard, I think I'm on the right track. If he were going to react negatively, it would have happened by now. We have to use antibiotics, Blair. The infection is too severe. It's more than enough to kill him. It's a juggling act with those damned senses of his. I'm sure the illness made him ultra-sensitized to anything and everything, but you know I'll be as careful as I can."

"God, Jeff. I'm not insinuating that you did anything on purpose. This whole thing has thrown Jim's body haywire. I know you're doing the best you can for him."

Exiting the elevator, we walked down the hallway and stopped at the ICU doors. Jeff hit the entrance button on the wall and the doors silently slid open. "Blair, I know how upset you are, but just let us do our jobs.”

"I will. You have my word."

"Good man."

We walked past the windowed cubicles. The blinds were open and I saw Jim immediately. I froze for a moment before I ordered my feet to move. I walked into the room and over to Jim's side. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help it, my eyes teared immediately and my heart pounded in my chest. I stifled a sob that threatened to erupt.

"Oh, God, Jim!" I whispered, touching a bare spot on his arm. "He's so pale!" I said to Jeff, swallowing hard. It was impossible to imagine that Jim could look more helpless, and I didn't like it at all.

Jeff patted my arm and explained what I was seeing. "You know the ventilator is to help him breathe. His lungs need the help partly because of the infection. He has a touch of pneumonia and after the allergic reaction, his body went into shock. He exhibited what is called angioedema. That means he developed hives on his throat and in his mouth."

I nodded.

"He's on intravenous fluids, of course. You know what a heart monitor is, and this is for his pulse."

"Okay."

"This measures his urine output. We don't want to risk dehydration, so the nurse will monitor his fluids every fifteen minutes. They'll also take his vitals at the same time. Meds will be administered every few hours in small doses."

"His skin still feels so hot."

"He's running a pretty high fever. It's about 103 right now. We've brought it down a few degrees from the high in the ER, but I'd like to see it drop another two in the next twelve hours. The nurse will also administer ear drops every hour."

I ran a finger over Jim's forehead. "I'm here, Jim. Please get better soon. Please, Jim." I placed a light kiss on his hot skin.

"Blair, I'll be back in half an hour. I have another patient in ICU and two others on the second floor I need to check."

I nodded and pulled a chair next to the bed. When Jeff left, I very carefully slipped my fingers over Jim's, not touching a single line or tube, and held his hand. I listened to the mechanical sounds of the ventilator and wondered if this is what Jim had felt when I was on life support after being dosed with Golden. Jim never mentioned it and I never asked. Now I wish I had. The machines made a cold, harsh sound that made my heart flutter and my skin sweat. I was torn because while I hated the discordant noises, I also I knew that, for now, this was what was keeping Jim alive.

"God, Jim, please! I need you! I love you!" I held those hot fingers for all I was worth, willing my life, my health into Jim. A few minutes later, a nurse came in to check Jim's vitals. I moved out of his way and watched while he made notes on the chart after carefully running down a long checklist. He smiled at me but didn't speak and I didn't ask any questions. I knew Jeff would tell me anything that I needed to know and I didn't want to put the nurse on the spot, asking questions that he might not be at liberty to answer.

The next few hours crawled by. Jeff stopped in two more times. Jim's condition remained unchanged until I was supposed to leave, but Jeff had already told me that they didn't expect any change for at least twenty-four hours, maybe longer. I just hoped my patience lasted that long. Fuck, like I had a choice.

"Good night, my love," I softly said to Jim. "I'll be back in a few hours. Simon and Jeff are making me go home and rest. As if I could rest with you feeling so badly. I love you." I kissed Jim's forehead and left quickly before I changed my mind and pitched a fit that would embarrass the hell out of me.

It was snowing lightly when I emerged from the hospital. I shoved my hands deep into my coat pockets and shifted from one foot to another. The temperature must have been in single digits and the wind bit into my skin. I scanned the street until I saw Simon's blue Lincoln pulling up. I waved and jogged over to the car, hopping into the warm interior.

"Thanks, Captain."

Simon blew out a cloud of cigar smoke. "Sandburg. How's Jim?"

"No change."

Silence fell. I didn't speak again until we pulled up in front of the loft. "Do you want me to come in to work today, Captain?"

Simon pulled the cigar from his mouth. "Sandburg, you've got some time accumulated at the department, so consider yourself on paid family leave until Jim's out of the woods."

"Sure, Simon. Thanks. That's nice of you." I opened the door and slid out.

"Sandburg, I care about Jim, you know that. I know he needs you. Besides, you'd be too distracted to properly perform your duties. I don't risk my officers' lives unnecessarily. When Jim's doing better, you can come in and ride desk duty or team with Rafe and Brown until he's back to work. I understand more than you realize about you two.

I smiled tiredly. "You're a real friend, Simon. Thanks."

"Sandburg, quit thanking me, shut the damned door before I freeze my ass off, and go and get some sleep. That's an order. Oh, after you eat that is. Dismissed, Detective."

I managed a grin after that tirade. "Yes, sir."

"Smart ass."

"'night, Simon." I closed the door and, after a departing wave, I went up to the empty loft to have a hot shower and a cold sandwich.

I let myself in and leaned against the door for a moment. It was way too quiet for my taste, not that Jim is loud or noisy, but he has this presence. He looms larger than life in my world. He's warm and caring. He's irritating and exasperating. He's so fucking sexy he makes me hard just thinking about him, although he denies his sex appeal when I mention it. I love Jim more than I ever thought it possible to love anybody. I moved my feet and went about my chores mechanically. The only real thought I had was that in five hours I could go back to the hospital and be with Jim.

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Later in the day, I drove Jim's truck to the hospital. Being in his vehicle made me feel closer to him. Besides, his heater worked a lot better than mine. I had taken a shower and eaten. I slept for an hour or two; then meditated for thirty minutes. I felt better physically, but mentally I was tired. Over and over all I could think about was what I would I do if Jim… I hated thinking about it, but it was the only thing that I could think about. I argued with myself the entire way to the hospital, but once I got to the fourth floor, my mind had only one goal… to be with Jim

I stopped by the nurse's station. "Any change in Detective Ellison?" I asked.

"No change, sir. He's not any worse, but he's not any better, either. Dr. Roberts just left. He'll be back in a few hours. I'm sure he'll give you an update."

"Thank you." I made my way to Jim's room. Everything looked exactly the same as it had earlier that morning. I sighed. "Jim. I'm back. Did you miss me? I missed you, man. In fact, I miss you a lot. I want you to wake up and talk to me. Yell at me for leaving a mess in the bathroom. Sneak Wonderburgers when you think I'm not looking." I rubbed Jim's arm lightly. "Share the last beer with me." I dropped my voice down low. "Make love with me, Jim. Kiss me and hold me. Please…" I cleared my throat. "I'm right here, Jim. I'll always be right here."

I sat in the chair beside the bed and pulled out a paperback from my pocket. "I brought a copy of a really bad Victorian romance, Jim. You know how much we laugh when we read these things. This one is called Love's Last Stand." I held up the book. "The picture is really great. This hunky guy with long blond hair has a beautiful woman draped on his arm. Her boobs are practically falling out of the dress, Jim. You'd laugh your ass off, trust me." I chattered on for a few more minutes before I opened the book to chapter five.

"Let's see. We left off with our hero, Rex, saving Crystal's entire family from a forest fire. I think her father's finally going to let them see each other. What do you say I read a bit and we find out? Cool." I made myself comfortable, cleared my throat and started reading. I kept a hand on Jim's arm the entire time. I think we both needed that connection.

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The next twenty-four hours crept by slowly. So slowly I was tempted to run screaming through the halls just to relieve the tension I felt. My shoulders and neck ached. I stayed at Jim's bedside for three or four hours before I left. I set up my own little schedule since the nurses and orderlies pretty much ignored me other than to smile and say hello. I stayed out of their way and didn't bug them. It was easier not talking to anybody anyway.

Simon was the best. He didn't call me every ten minutes for updates although I knew he wanted to. He waited until I got home and I called him. Simon is a good man as far as I'm concerned.

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I was sitting on the floor in the corner of Jim's room, meditating, when Jeff came in. He gently touched my shoulder, which made me open my eyes.

"Oh, hey, Jeff. Sorry, man."

"That's okay, Blair. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"It's okay . I wasn't that far under. I just had to clear my mind and try to relax." I rolled my neck and shoulders, willing the tension to fade but not succeeding very well.

Jeff smiled. "Good news, Blair."

"What?!" I practically flew to my feet and raced to Jim's side. "Tell me!"

"Jim's temp is down to 101.5 and he's respond well to the meds. I'm going to take him off the ventilator and put him on oxygen. I'm also going to back off the sedatives and give him a chance to wake up."

"Oh, man, that's so great!" I said happily. "Now what?"

"If he keeps up the progress and remains stable, we'll move him from ICU."

"That's good news, Jeff. Thank you."

"I'm happy too, Blair. Believe me. Let me get him settled and you can come back in a couple of hours."

"You think I should leave?" I asked, my throat suddenly dry. "Are you not telling me something?"

Jeff put a hand on my shoulder. "Blair, you need a shower. You need a few hours' sleep and a hot meal. You won’t be doing Jim any favors if he wakes up and sees you all stressed out." Jeff squeezed my arm. "Besides, remember, Blair, we have his hearing to think about. I need you rested and alert in case he needs help with his senses."

"Yeah, you're right, Jeff. You're right." I stifled a wide yawn. "Let me tell Jim I'll be back in a bit."

"Sure, Blair. I'll be back in five."

"Thanks, Doctor." I waited until Jeff left before I turned back to Jim. I put a hand on his forehead. He still felt warm to me but then, I didn't have Sentinel senses… or a thermometer. I smiled. "Jim? I'm going to go home for a while. I'll be back soon and when I return, you'll be feeling much better. Jeff says you don't need the ventilator any longer and that you'll be awake in a while. I can't wait to talk to you, man. I love you." I kissed Jim's forehead. After I rubbed his arm for a few moments, I left.

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I stumbled into the loft, so tired my eyes burned. I made it from the door to the sofa before I collapsed. I dug my fingers into my eyes and shivered. I get cold when I'm tired so I yanked the blanket from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around my body. I told myself I'd catch a short nap before I showered and ate. I didn't even remember falling asleep but when I woke it was dark and cold. I sat up quickly, disoriented for a second. I knew I wasn't in my bed. It took a few moments for me to realize that I was on the sofa and that I had slept almost four hours. I yawned and jumped up. I hit the thermostat to turn up the heat and went into the bathroom to run the shower. I hurried, a bit PO'd at myself for sleeping so long. If Jim had woken up without me there, I'd be really pissed with myself.

I raced up the stairs, grabbed underwear, socks, a Jags sweatshirt and jeans. Back downstairs, I jumped into the shower and gave myself five minutes to wash. Dried, combed and dressed in record time, I threw together two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while I warmed up some hot water in the microwave. I dropped a teabag and some sugar into a travel mug, dumped the water in, and capped it tightly. Grabbing the tea and sandwiches, I flew out the door and down the stairs. I munched while I drove and finished the tea as I pulled up into the hospital parking lot. I took a few moments to do a couple of deep breathing exercises. I felt okay considering the past few days. Satisfied I would be presentable, I went up to be with Jim.

I was pleased when I walked into Jim's room and saw him. Well, as pleased as I could be under the circumstances. Jim looked a hell of a lot better. He was still as pale as the fucking sheets, but without the ventilator he didn't look quite as bad to me. I know it was probably psychological on my part, but I didn't care.

With that tube out of his throat, I could see where the tape that had been holding it in place had caused a reaction on his skin. Jim had a bright red slash under his nose and down part of his cheek. They had rubbed some ointment on the patch, because I could see the shiny slick swatch of medicine. With the tip of my finger, I touched the very edge of the reddened area.

"Hey, Jim. I'm back. How are you doing? You look much better." I fussed with the sheet for a second. "I'm sorry I took so long. I fell asleep," I said sheepishly. "But I'm back now. Why don't you wake up for me?" I put a hand on Jim's chest and watched the monitor closely. The numbers remained steady, which was a good sign. I just wished he would wake up and talk to me. "Does this hurt?" My finger ghosted over the reddened bumps. "Allergic to the damned tape, it seems. Something else to watch out for. I'll have to be sure the doctor puts that on your chart."

"Already did, Blair," Jeff said from behind me.

"Oh, hey, Jeff. Damn. Something else Jim's body doesn't like."

"He's doing much better, Blair." Jeff gave me a reassuring pat on the back.

"When will he be awake?"

Jeff checked Jim's responses, along with the other routine things that I'd watched him do a hundred times in the last few days. "I'd say the next three or four hours you'll definitely notice him starting to come around. He's slow to process the drugs in this condition so I'm giving him a little more time than I normally would for you or me. Everything needs to work through his system."

"What about his ears?"

"I'm continuing the topical drops for pain. His ear canals are still swollen and red. He's still on antibiotics, of course. He'll need a full ten-day course, maybe even two, but he's responding well, Blair. By this time tomorrow, he should be awake."

"Oh, man, that's great. I hope you’re right."

Jeff made a few notes on Jim's chart before he looked over at me. "You're looking a lot better."

I shrugged. "I overslept."

Jeff smiled. "I think you mean your body required sleep, so you slept. I told you that being rested is a lot better and helps with the stress. You should listen to your doctor."

"Okay. Okay," I said, laughing. "I surrender."

"Remember the letters D-R before your name aren't the same as mine, Dr. Sandburg," Jeff growled good-naturedly.

"Speaking of sleep… you look tired. Do you take your own advice?"

Jeff laughed. "I am tired, but I'm used to pulling long hours with no sleep. It comes with the territory, but you're right. I'm heading home to see my kids and catch some Z's. I haven't been home in two days."

"Thanks, Jeff. For everything." I touched Jim's arm, happy to feel the more normal warm skin under my palm.

"Sure, Blair. You're more than welcome." Jeff made a few more notes before he slipped the pen into his pocket. "I'll catch you later."

"Okay, Doctor. Later." I grabbed my book and pulled my chair close to the bed. Sitting next to Jim, I read from the gothic novel, keeping a close eye on him for any changes. After a while, my body started to protest the lack of movement. I stopped reading and stood up to stretch. I reached my hands over my head and rolled my neck, groaning a bit at the feeling of muscles and tendons loosening.

A quick glance at Jim had me holding my breath. I dropped my arms and moved to his side. Leaning down, I peered into his face. I could see the tiniest slit of blue.

"Jim?" I brushed my fingers lightly down the side of his face. "Wake up for me."

Talking is easy for me, so I talked. I stroked his face, his head, and his arm, and rambled away. Jim's the only one who knows that sometimes when I talk incessantly it's usually to cover up my nervousness. I was definitely a bit anxious right then.

"Hello, Jim. I've been waiting for you to wake up. You need to open your eyes. Come on. I know you can do it. You're in the hospital, Jim. Yeah, I know you can tell. You can smell it, I'm sure. Well, if you want to leave the hospital any time in the near future, you need to wake up and get better." I smiled and cajoled in my best Guide voice. "Listen to me, Jim. I need you to wake up. You're going to be okay. Come on, my love. You know what a pest I am. I'm going to bug you until you wake up and talk to me."

I kept talking and touching. Emotionally, for Jim, touch is just about his most important thing. His hearing is his strongest sense. Coupled with his sight, those two senses help immensely when he's performing his duties as a detective. But in private and when he's relaxed, Jim is a very touchy-feely person. He says my touch centers his senses as much as my voice.

I kept my eyes on Jim's face, alert for the slightest movement from him. I was thrilled when I saw his eyelids flutter as he struggled to open his eyes. I couldn't keep the excitement from my voice.

"Yes! That's good, Jim. Come on. Open those beautiful blue peepers. Look at me, Jim." I put a hand on either side of his face and held him lightly so he could feel me. Finally, after the longest time, Jim gave a little sigh and opened his eyes about halfway. I leaned down and looked right at him.

"Hey," I whispered. Worried about overwhelming him right away, I spoke softly and moved slowly. "Jim, man, I love you." I gave him a smile and watched. I moved to my right just a bit to see if he was tracking me. When his eyes followed, I knew he was. I was so happy I could have cried. I moved one of my hands down to hold his. "I'm holding your hand, Jim. Can you feel it?" I gave his fingers a light squeeze and I was rewarded with a small response when his fingers moved in mine. I grinned foolishly, I was sure. Jim sighed again and his eyes closed. I knew he was probably too tired to stay awake very long, so I made sure he was tucked in nicely. I planted a small kiss on his cheek before I gave the monitors a quick check. Everything seemed okay, so I slipped from the bed and headed out of the room to let the floor nurse know that Jim was awake and to call Jeff with the news.

The attending sent me home a few hours later. Jim hadn't woken up again but after a reassuring word about the last check of his vitals, and after I was told that he'd be moved to a private room shortly, I left feeling better than I thought possible. As I headed across the parking lot, I heard a familiar voice.

"Sandburg!"

I turned. "Oh, hey Simon."

"Come with me, Detective."

"What did I do now?"

"You're under arrest."

I held out my hands. "Lock me up."

"Sandburg, why can't I ever rattle you?"

I laughed. "Nothing can rattle me tonight, Simon. Jim's being moved out of ICU!"

"Yeah, I know. I called to check on him about fifteen minutes ago. That's great news."

"Yes, it is. What are you doing here anyway, Captain?"

"I've come to take you to dinner."

"Ah, gee, Simon, thanks. You don't have to do that."

Simon clamped a large hand on my shoulder. "What did you have to eat today, Blair?" he asked quietly, but firmly.

I shrugged. "I ate."

"What?"

"Two apples. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Six cups of coffee. Hmmm. Let's see. Two candy bars. Oh, and a bag of raisins."

"Sandburg, you're forever bitching to Ellison about his eating habits and that's all you ate today! Come on. Dinner. My treat."

I held up my hands in surrender. "I give! I'm all yours, Simon. Actually, a hot meal sounds great."

"Mama's Diner sound good to you?"

"Oh man, that sounds very good. Lead on, my man."

Mama's Diner is the only authentic Southern cookery in the whole state of Washington. It's a small, busy place in the front of a renovated house down on Champaign Boulevard. Mama is about ninety years old. Her two daughters as well an assortment of friends and family help her run the place,. The moment we walked in, she fell all over both of us, clucking and yelling at us for turning into skin and bones. She practically dragged us to a table and didn't bother asking what we wanted, just started sending out food.

First it was steamy-hot biscuits and honey, followed by two heaping plates of shrimp and grits, collard greens and macaroni and cheese. Two huge pieces of sweet potato pie appeared before we were halfway through the food, along with two glasses of milk. I didn't think I'd be able to walk out of the restaurant when I finally cleaned my plate.

Simon went to pay the bill and I made a quick trip to the men's room. I was walking toward the cash register when one of the servers caught me and put a big Styrofoam take-out container in my hands. "Mama said you take this," he said with a wide smile. The container was crammed full of meatloaf, mashed potatoes with gravy, and more collards, which happen to be a particular favorite of mine. When I tried to pay for the extra food, Mama came from behind the counter and smacked my hand.

"You take that food and eat it tomorrow, Blair," she said with a huge smile on her face. "And you tell Jim to get better and get his skinny backside in here so I can give him a good feeding."

"I will, Mama. Thank you." I leaned over and planted a kiss on her cheek. She giggled and swatted me again. I left feeling better than I had in almost a week. Maybe things would be okay now. I had to be positive after that great meal. I was grinning when I joined Simon out in his car.

"I see Mama wouldn't let you out without a good helping of more food, Sandburg."

"Thanks, Simon." I yawned. "Oh man, I'm feeling the effects of that meal now. I could sleep for a week." I put my head back on the comfortable headrest and was out before Simon put the car into drive.

"Sandburg… Blair. Come on, wake up."

I groggily opened my eyes. "Huh?"

"We're home."

"Yeah?" I looked around. "Where?"

"At my house, Blair. Come on, get out. You can bunk here tonight. I'll run you by the hospital in the morning on my way in."

"Oh, damn. I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't mean to pass out on you like that."

"No problem, Sandburg. You've been putting in long hours at the hospital and it's not only physically draining, but mentally, too. Jim's in good hands and you need to rest."

"Thanks, Simon. I don't think I could have driven home tonight anyway." I climbed out of the warm interior. The outside air was cold and I was shivering by the time I slipped through the door that Simon held open. Warmth immediately surrounded me and I yawned again. "Sorry," I muttered, covering my mouth. "Man, I'm getting old. I used to be able to stay up for at least two, three days straight. My record in college was five days with no sleep, but now? I'm worthless." Another yawn escaped.

Chuckling, Simon asked, "You want anything, Sandburg? Tea? Coffee?"

"A bed?" I asked with a crooked smile.

Simon clamped onto my upper arm and tugged. "Come on, Sleeping Beauty. This way."

I followed, laughing softly. "Man, you're worse than Jim with the name-calling. What's wrong with plain old Blair? Been using it for years." I guess I was rambling because Simon just shook his head, tugged me into the spare room next to Daryl's and pushed me toward the bed.

"Bathroom." He pointed down the hallway. "Towel." He tossed a clean towel that he had snagged from the hall closet onto the chair next to the dresser. "There's a fresh toothbrush in the medicine cabinet. Also some disposable razors if you want to shave in the morning." Simon turned on the electric blanket control sitting on the nightstand. "Control for the blanket. You need anything else?"

"Nah, Simon. You're a prince."

"Good night, Blair."

"'night, Simon." I took off my jacket, stripped off my jeans and sweatshirt and climbed into bed. I thought I'd fall asleep in seconds, but the nap in Simon's car had taken off the edge. I snuggled under the warming electric blanket and thought about Jim and me.

We'd been together almost six years. The first three were rocky, just like in a lot of new relationships. We were roommates and friends, partners at work but not in the bedroom… not yet anyhow. I remember how it all started as clear as day.

It was after I'd graduated from the Academy that Jim started acting strange. Well, strange for Jim anyway. One day he'd stay so close I'd think he was glued to my side. He'd touch me constantly - my hair, my arm, my knee. Nothing overtly sexual, but definitely sensual. Then, as suddenly as if somebody'd flipped a switch, he'd stay so far away it scared me. He barely talked to me. Hell, he didn't even come home some nights. Made excuses to stay at the station and do paperwork, pulled double shifts or volunteered for stakeouts.

I felt like a fucking yo-yo. I had so many highs when Jim was close and affectionate. Then the lows would come when Jim was distant and cold. I finally had enough. I remember that night as if it were yesterday. I blew my top, something I don't usually like to do. I told Jim right then and there that if he didn't stop acting like an asshole and tell me exactly how he felt about me, that I was history - with a capital H.

He huffed around for about half an hour, bitching and moaning about this and that, not saying a word of any importance and trying to make me feel like I didn't have a clue. I meant what I said so I went and packed. I had said what I had to say. Unless Jim admitted out loud that he loved me and wanted me, I had to leave. I couldn't vacillate any longer. As much as I'd hate to be without Jim, it was worse living with him that way. My heart was breaking, but I had to go.

I made two… no, three trips carrying my stuff to my car. As I walked into the loft for another load I plowed right into Jim's chest. He grabbed me by the wrist and without saying a word, something he's great at doing, he pulled me over to the sofa. He sat down, pulled me into his lap and proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of me. Man, I was breathless and shaking in about two minutes flat. I was hard and panting in five. In ten, I was coming in my jeans and screaming Jim's name.

I enjoyed the hell out of those ten minutes, but I wasn't letting Jim off that easy. Yeah, he was damned sexy and I was so turned on again I could have cut glass with my dick. But I had to hear him say it. He had to tell me out loud -- with words. So I held him and caressed him and kissed him until he was trembling. When I unzipped his jeans and put my lips around him, he shouted my name and came in a hot rush in my mouth. I'd never let anybody do that before.

I remember leaning back on my heels at Jim's feet, wiping come from my lips. He looked at me and suddenly he was on the floor with me, holding me in his arms and telling me what I needed to hear. Finally, damn it! I remember very word, every syllable, every sound.. I always will:

"Blair! God help me, Blair, but I love you. So much! More than life itself. Don't ever leave me. Please, Chief. I love you! I'll tell the world. I'll do whatever you want. I need you with me."

I remember exactly what I said after Jim's declaration. "Jim, believe me when I say I love you, very much, but I can't love you and live with you if you're the least bit… ashamed of our relationship. I don't expect you to shout it from the rooftops. Hell, I know how some people at the station would react, but I do expect you to cherish what we have. Can you do that, Jim? In your heart, can you accept us being together?"

"I'm not going to lie to you, Blair, and tell you I'm not scared, because I am. I'm scared shitless, but I promise you this. I'll never be ashamed of you and what we share. I'll always be proud to have you as my partner, on the force and at home. Always." Jim kissed me gently, sealing his vow. "If I need a bit of reminding every once in a while, Chief, just let me know. I'm an old soldier, Blair. I'm set in my ways. If you're willing to have me, I'd be honored."

"Oh, Jim," I said. I threw my arms around him and kissed him senseless.

Since that night, Jim's kept his word. He's told Simon and a few close friends about our relationship. Jim would be okay with more people at the station knowing but he's always worried there might be a backlash from homophobes. He said that being discreet protects me. God, I love that man. Yeah, we argue, but we always kiss and make up. Always. He's my life and I'm his. This latest piece of bad luck couldn't change that. I wouldn't let it.

I laced my fingers behind my head and let my mind wander. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep.

-------------------------------------------------

The smells of breakfast woke me. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and stretched. I felt pretty good, actually. I rose, dressed, and hit the bathroom. Face washed, teeth brushed and hair pulled back, I followed my nose. The smell of fresh coffee tantalized me. The sight of Simon puttering in the kitchen tickled me. I'd never seen Simon cook before, but there he was, spatula in hand. He had flour on his nose and chin, but he expertly flipped a pancake, so he'd obviously done this before.

"Good morning, Simon."

Simon swiveled his head. "Morning, Sandburg. How'd you sleep?"

"Great! Thanks."

"Coffee's fresh. Help yourself. Pancakes?"

"Oh, man, yeah. Thanks." I poured a mug of coffee and drank it black. The first few sips were bitter, but soon the flavor mellowed and I savored the brew's tartness. I must have let out a sound of appreciation because, when Simon put the plate down in front of me, he grinned.

"Good?"

"Oh, yeah! And these pancakes look great."

"Dig in. Maple syrup or grape jam?"

"Both, please."

"Both?"

I nodded, adding butter, maple syrup and a spoonful of jam right in the middle of the stack. It looked and smelled delicious. I dug in, chewing happily. Simon joined me and we ate silently, two friends sharing a meal. I set my fork down and after wiping my mouth on a napkin, smiled.

"Thanks, Captain. That was nice of you."

Simon polished off his last bite. "Glad you enjoyed them." He rose. "Why don't you stack the dishes in the sink? I'll go and grab my gun and coat, and we'll leave in five."

Smiling, I stood. "Sounds like a plan. Thanks."

"Sandburg!"

I laughed, holding up my hand. "Right. Stop thanking you. I'll try, Simon, but you have to know how grateful I am for everything you've done for us."

"Detective, I know already." Simon chuckled that deep chuckle of his and after ruffling my hair, he went to finish getting ready.

I piled the dishes, wiped down the table, and stowed away the rest of the ingredients that Simon had used to fix breakfast. Then I grabbed my coat from the bedroom and was ready when Simon emerged from his room five minutes later. Together, we headed out.

-------------------------------------------------

At the hospital, I stopped by the front desk and found out Jim was on the third floor, room 307. Karma, I figured. I laughed to myself, hoping it was a good sign, and hit the 'up' button in the elevator. I was feeling pretty good about everything today. I knew Jim would wake up and nothing would shake my good feelings. I was determined to be positive.

I walked into Jim's room. He was asleep. In spite of the tubes, IV, and monitors, he looked pretty good to me. He was still too pale for my liking, but I'd stopped at the nurse's station and gotten the run down of his condition during the night. I was pleased to hear that his temp was down to 100.4 and that his ears were beginning to clear up. While he still had a lot of drainage, the canals were starting to heal. I was keeping good thoughts about Jim's hearing. He'd be fine, I told myself over and over.

I found the usual chair stashed in the corner and set it right next to the head of the bed so that when Jim opened his eyes, he'd see me first thing. I hoped I didn't scare him, I thought with a laugh. I fished the gothic novel out of my pocket. I only had one or two chapters left so I figured I would finish it that morning.

I'd read for a while when I saw Jim's fingers moving. Then his leg twitched and he let out a small moan. I carefully climbed onto the bed and pressed my leg against his side while I held his hand. I rubbed his wrist gently and held his fingers in mine. I felt his hand move. I held on until his eyes fluttered open. I smiled while I brushed the backs of my fingers down the side of his face.

Jim tried to focus, blinked a couple of times and then realized I was there. He licked his lips a few times and I could tell he was thirsty.

"Hey, Jim. Welcome back, man. How are you feeling?"

I felt his grip on my fingers tighten slightly. His eyes widened and he moved his lips. I knew his throat must have been as dry as the Sahara because he couldn't seem to get a word out. I grabbed a cup and poured in a bit of water. I put a straw in the glass and held it up to his lips. Jim's eyes followed me and when I put the tip of the straw against his lips, he opened his mouth and quickly sucked up the water.

"Better?" Jim's hand squeezed my fingers. I patted the back of his hand with mine. "Can you tell me how you're feeling, Jim?"

"B.. bla.. blair?" Jim struggled to speak.

"Yeah, man. Good to have you back. How do you feel?"

"I… Blair?"

"Jim, I'm right here."

His hand trembled in mine. His other hand went to his ear and then to his lips. "Blair?"

"Jim? Come on, man. You're scaring me."

"I can't…" Jim swallowed and tried to clear his throat. "Thirsty," he whispered.

"Sure, Jim. Let me get you some more water. Or would you rather have some ice chips to suck on?"

Jim watched me closely. His eyes narrowed and he put a finger on my mouth. The finger was shaking. I could feel the tremors through my lips. Now I was really upset, but I hid it pretty well, I thought.

"Jim, can you hear me?" Jim didn't answer, but continued to stare at my mouth. I released his hand and put both of mine on the sides of his face. I waited until our eyes met. "Jim, look at me. I need you to answer me. Can you hear me?"

Jim moved both of his hands up to his ears, covering them with his palms before moving them away. He repeated the motion several times before he grabbed my hands. "I can't hear," he whispered.

"It's okay, Jim. Relax." Realizing that he wouldn't be able to hear my words, I forced a smile to my lips and nodded. "I understand." I pointed to his ear and shook my head.

Jim nodded. "Blair?"

"Damn. Wait a sec." I held up a finger and slid from the bed. "Wait." I repeated, still holding up my hand.

"Okay," he said softly, putting a hand to his mouth again as if to see if the words were really coming out.

I went out to the desk and asked the nurse on duty for pen and paper. I then asked her to call Dr. Roberts to let him know that Jim was awake and he didn't seem to be able to hear anything.

"I'll call him right away. I know from his notes that Mr. Ellison's eardrums were ruptured so this isn't uncommon," the nurse told me. She found a yellow tablet and a couple of pens. "Here you go."

"Thanks." I headed back to Jim's room, where I held up the pen and paper.

Jim's eyes immediately found mine and he kept them locked there. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile and again, he nodded.

"Jim, man, it will be okay." I scribbled, Dr said this is common. U have bad infection in both ears. Ruptured drums. R U in pain?

Jim reached for the pen. He tried to hold it, but his fingers shook. He sighed and dropped his hand.

"Jim?" I put a hand on his face so he would look at me. I gave him a reassuring smile and on the paper I wrote, just nod for yes or shake for no. Understand? I held up the paper, pointing to the suggestion.

He nodded that he understood, but he still tried to speak. He opened his mouth before he closed it. I could see the struggle on his face so I knew he was upset. I put a hand against his face. "Jim?" I put my finger on the paper where I had written, R U in pain?

"Hurts," Jim whispered huskily, nodding and touching his ear lightly. "Blair… thirsty."

I grabbed the container of ice chips and ripped the wrapper off a plastic spoon. I offered Jim the spoonful. He opened his mouth and when I slipped in the chips, he closed his eyes and sucked eagerly. The relief on his face was evident. I couldn't even begin to imagine how Jim felt with his senses and all. Right now, though, he was thirsty and that was a problem I could definitely help with. The hearing loss was another matter.

He opened his eyes and looked at me longingly. I fed him three more spoonfuls before he finally seemed satisfied. With a tired sigh, his eyes slid shut and he drifted off to sleep. I started to climb down from the bed. That's when I noticed that he had grabbed the edge of my shirt and tangled his fingers around the hem. I didn't have the heart to pry them off. He must have been feeling lost and scared, and holding onto my shirt anchored him somehow.

"Oh, Jim," I said softly, petting the short brown hair. "I'll always be here." I made myself comfortable and waited for Jeff.

-------------------------------------------------

"I've scheduled Jim for a couple of tests," Jeff informed me when he came for rounds a while later. "I want to see how his hearing is doing."

"When?"

"The orderly will be in shortly."

"But he's sleeping."

Jeff grinned. "Blair, the hospital isn't any place to sleep. We have to poke, prod and take your temp every hour just to be sure nobody sleeps well."

I rolled my eyes. "No shit."

"Listen. The sooner we get everything tested and settled, the sooner he can go home. He'll rest a hell of a lot better at home than he will here."

"Yeah, that's true, especially with his senses."

"How are they?"

I shrugged. "I didn't have much chance to ask. He could hardly keep his eyes open, but at least he wasn't freaked. I'd say everything's probably at normal or below right now. Except for his hearing, of course." I sighed. "I'm scared."

"Jim's a special person. I hate making guesses at this stage mostly because of his Sentinel abilities and the lack of research on the subject, but I think he'll be okay. I can't make any promises, of course, but he's strong and healthy."

"I know, I know. It's just that… he has this tendency to repress his emotions. I'm hoping this doesn't put any kind of walls between us. He's shut me out before," I said in a small voice. I hated the sound of insecurity that tinged my words.

"Blair, Jim loves you."

I managed a smile. "Yeah, he does. And I love him." I cleared my throat. "We'll be fine."

"So let's get to it." Jeff touched Jim's shoulder gently. "Come on, Jim. Time to wake up." A small shake made Jim's eyes flutter and then open.

"Hey, Jim. Good afternoon," Jeff said. "How are you feeling?"

Jim stared at Jeff for a moment before his eyes slid to meet mine. I gave him a nod and a warm smile.

"Hey, Jim," I said. I wrote, He has tests scheduled for your hearing. You ready?

"I'm… I'm tired," Jim said very softly.

Jim, if it hurts to talk, you can write. Can hardly hear you.

He nodded and cleared his throat. "Tired… thirsty… hurts."

Jeff looked at me. "He feels awkward speaking when he can't hear. It will take a bit of time for him to feel comfortable."

A tug on my shirt from Jim caught my attention. I looked at the questioning face, then I said to Jeff, "He feels lost because he doesn't know what we're saying."

"Understandable. Let me write him a note."

I handed Jeff the pen and paper.

You're doing much better.

"Permanent?" Jim asked.

Jeff didn't answer for a moment, then he shrugged. Hopefully, no. Hence the tests.

Jim nodded, turned his face away from us, and closed his eyes. I could almost feel the old walls Jim had so much trouble breaking down years ago beginning to grow again. I wanted to talk to him, to let him know that I was there for him, but the door swung open and a nurse and an orderly waltzed into the room to take him for his tests.

I sighed in exasperation and patted his leg. He ignored me, so I tapped again. Finally, he turned to look at me. I smiled. "I'll be back later." I pointed to the gurney waiting for him. He nodded minutely at me.

"Come on, Blair. Let's let these folks do their jobs."

"Yeah, sure." I followed Jeff from the room after a parting glance at Jim, who wasn't paying the least bit of attention to me. I hung my head, irritated and unhappy. There was no way Jim was getting away with this. I wouldn't allow it. I could see those wheels in Jim's head turning right then. In his mind, there was no room in my life for a disabled partner. He would make the decision for me without even asking what I thought or felt. On one hand, that made me very, very angry. On the other, he was only thinking of me, wanting to protect me and wanting me to have the best. In Jim's mind, he'd think he was damaged goods. The idiot. The big lug. I wanted to slug him; then I wanted to kiss him and make it all better. Since I couldn't do either right then, I said good-bye to Jeff and headed for home. There were a couple of things I needed to do.

Jeff had said the tests would take a few hours, at least. I ran to the loft and grabbed some things I needed. I stopped by my favorite deli and bought a quart of homemade chicken with rice soup. I knew Jim would be hungry once he settled down and realized he was going to be all right. I also grabbed something for me -- a Rueben sandwich with extra pickles, and a vanilla malt. I ate in the truck. It seems I'd been having a lot of meals in Jim's truck lately. I smiled, figuring I'd better vacuum out the interior before Jim drove again. Those Sentinel senses would pick out the crumbs I'd left behind. Driving carefully, I smiled as I ate.

If Jim thought he was going to brush me off he had another thing coming. I'd already made up my mind. Even if his hearing never returned, the very idea that he thought I'd bail on him because of that pissed me off. I stopped my runaway train of thought. We hadn't even talked about it yet, but I knew how Jim thought. Better than he did, actually. He'd give me the cold shoulder. The common sense argument that I'd be better off without him wouldn't work on me. That much I knew.

I waltzed into Jim's room with a smile on my face and a shopping bag in my hand. Jim was awake. He lay staring up at the ceiling. I figured he wouldn't know I was coming because he couldn't hear me, but I should have known better. He smelled me. Of course, the tantalizing smell of the soup could have been the reason he allowed himself a sideways glance before he returned to his perusal of the ceiling tiles.

"Hey, Jim!" I said happily. I placed the bag carefully on the rolling table and pushed it over the bed within reach of his hands. I bounced on my toes, waiting, until I finally elicited a reaction. I saw his nostrils flare just a tiny bit and that's when I knew I had won this round. I grinned and without even asking, I powered up the bed so that he was in a better position for eating. "Hungry?"

Jim's eyes flicked over me once before he focused on the bag. He didn't move so I did. I pulled out the container of soup, an extra bowl, a spoon, and a handful of napkins. I moved the bag out of the way for the moment, careful not to bang the contents. I poured some of the soup from the big container into the bowl, then I held up the spoon.

"You want me to feed you or do you want to try it yourself?"

Jim's stomach answered for him. I heard the rumbling response so I tucked a napkin under his chin and held up the spoon. With trembling fingers, he valiantly tried to scoop up a spoonful. The slippery stuff refused to cooperate and slid back into the bowl with a small plop. Several attempts failed before he finally sighed and dropped the spoon.

I picked up the spoon. Our eyes met momentarily. I gave him a smile and made feeding motions. When he didn't protest, I scooped up a spoonful. Jim hungrily watched my hand and by the time the spoon made it to the vicinity of his mouth, he had it open and waiting. I carefully fed him the food. When the bowl was empty, he looked at it longingly.

"Do you want more?" I tapped his arm and when he finally looked at me, I said, "Jim? More?"

He nodded.

"Great!" I poured a second bowlful and soon that food disappeared just as quickly as before.

Finished, I wiped Jim's mouth. He gave me another of those sideways glances. I tapped his arm until he looked at me. "Good?" I placed a hand over his tummy and smiled.

With those clear blue eyes, Jim finally looked at me like he was really seeing me. "Thanks," he said softly.

I held up a finger. "Wait."

When he nodded, I grabbed the shopping bag and pulled out my laptop. I popped the top and plugged the a/c adapter into the outlet next to the bed, then I typed,

+This will be faster. Okay?+

Jim shrugged and started to turn his face away from me, but a finger under his chin forestalled his retreat. I shook my head when his eyes met mine.

+Tell me what you feel! What can I do? I love you, remember?+

If he didn't want to talk, he could at least type, so I pushed the laptop closer and laid his fingers on the keyboard.

"Go… home," he whispered.

+No. I'm staying right here. Jim, does it hurt to talk?+

Jim shrugged. I sighed.

+Please, Jim. Tell me how you feel. I want to help.+

When Jim moved his fingers across the keyboard, I thought he was finally going to turn to me for whatever comfort and reassurance I could offer. He touched the keys for a few moments before he finally whispered, "Tests?"

+Jim, please talk to me, or at least type.+

"Doesn't hurt. Voice… is funny."