Except for Your Mistake
By LilyK
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I
wanna be good
I wanna be great
I wanna be everything
except
for
your mistake
---sister hazel---
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"But
Jim…" I sighed, huffing an exasperated breath into the
phone. "You promised…"
"Sorry, Chief. Brown is out sick. They need another man on the Morrison stake-out."
"But Jim…"
"Listen. I have to go to work. Deal with it, Sandburg," Jim said coolly.
The dial tone rang in my ear. I chewed on my lower lip as I hit the 'off' button. Carefully setting the cordless on the kitchen counter, I surveyed the dinner I had been cooking. This was the third time this week that Jim had promised to be home for dinner. It was the third time this week he had called with some excuse, saying he wouldn’t be home until well after I was asleep. I sighed again and turned off the oven. Not at all hungry now and with no desire to eat alone, I thought about what had happened while I stowed the food in the fridge.
I'd joined the Cascade PD six months ago after graduating from the police academy. True to his word, Simon assigned me as Jim's official partner after a month of ride-alongs with two other detectives in Major Crime. Jim was ecstatic. Well, as ecstatic as Jim Ellison can be. I could tell he was pleased, anyway. Jim gets this sparkle in his eyes and the crinkles around them deepened when he's pleased. They were an inch deep the day I started officially riding with him.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. We were sitting in Jim's truck. He had put the key in the ignition but before starting it, he said,
"Sandburg, you have your gun?"
"Yes, Jim."
"Is it loaded?"
"Yes, Jim. Of course."
"Handcuffs?"
"Yes, Jim." I smiled over at my partner. "What's up, man? I've never seen you so -- anxious."
"Nothing, Chief. Just making sure the rookie is ready for the street."
I laughed. "Jim, man, I'm hardly a rookie. I've been riding with you for three years, seven months, twelve days and…" A glance at my watch had me grinning, "… five hours."
"You kept track?"
"Nah."
"Liar."
I laughed aloud. Jim joined me. Suddenly he was serious. He turned sideways to face me. "I'm glad you're here." His hand reached out and rubbed my arm.
I grinned. I remembered something along that line from before, the day we were stranded deep in the jungles of Peru. Jim was going into the jungle to do recon. He turned to me and, with the most intense look on his face, he said, "Hey, Chief. I'm glad you came."
I remember feeling very pleased that he was happy to have me with him then. The day I became 'official', I felt proud he had chosen me for his partner. I was also nervous that I wouldn't live up to his expectations.
"Blair," Jim said quietly, squeezing my bicep under his fingers, "you'll be fine."
"I don't want to disappoint you."
"It ain't going to happen, Chief."
"You sound so -- sure."
Jim turned and started the engine. He gave me a sideways glance and a warm smile. "I am sure. You're my partner," he said simply, as if those words settled the matter.
I nodded. "Okay, man. Thanks."
"Any time, Sandburg. Now let's get to work."
Pulling out of the Cascade PD garage that day, we started our official partnership. And that's when strange and unsettling things started to happen.
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An hour after Jim's call, I was showered and ready for bed. I sat on the sofa nursing a cooling cup of tea. I knew Jim was avoiding me. Hell, how could I not notice. He'd sent me home after our shift, telling me he'd be along soon. I knew the drill by now. He'd wait an hour then call, making up some excuse not to come home. It could be a stakeout that he'd volunteered for. It could be that he needed to go to the gym and work out. It could be that he had a friend in town and he would be busy. Any excuse seemed to work as long as he didn't have to come home. As long as he didn't have to be around me.
I downed the last of the cold tea and, after rinsing out the cup, I went into my room and crawled into bed. My body was tired but my mind refused to let me sleep. My heart ached. I loved Jim Ellison. Had for quite a while now. I tossed and turned, wondering what I should do about Jim and me. I didn't dare tell him. He made it clear the last few weeks that he wanted nothing to do with me outside of our working relationship. If I told him how I felt, that would be the final nail in the coffin of our friendship. I was sure of it. I laid awake for a long while contemplating the disaster that passed for my life lately, before I finally drifted off to sleep with dawn breaking over the horizon.
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"Up and at 'em, Chief!" Jim's cheery voice assailed my ears. I groaned and buried my head under a pillow.
The covers were tugged from my body.
"Sleeping Beauty, it's noon. I've got breakfast for you."
A fragrant cup of freshly brewed coffee was waved under my nose. I peeled open an eye and pushed the pillow away. "I'm awake," I muttered. "Give me the coffee and you won't get hurt." I sat up and grabbed the cup that was handed to me. I blew on the hot liquid before I took a tentative sip. "Did you say it was noon?"
"Yeah, Sunshine. You must have been tired, so I let you sleep. We don't have to be in until 6 p.m. We pulled the 6 to 6 shift on the Morrison stakeout."
I took a few more sips of coffee before my eyes finally focused. I cocked my head and looked up at my companion. Jim stood, arms crossed, beside my bed. He looked rested and relaxed. He looked positively delicious in a tight, navy blue v-neck t-shirt and blue jeans. I almost groaned aloud. "You're awfully chipper this morning."
"I feel great. You hungry?" Jim grinned at me, waving a spatula in one hand.
"Famished. Did you sleep?"
"I got in a little after 6. I slept for a few hours. I'm wide awake now so I fixed breakfast -- which is rapidly turning into lunch if you don't get your lazy ass out of bed." Jim reached out and ruffled my hair.
I sighed. Guess we were playing Jekyll and Hyde again. For the past week or so, Jim's been a royal bitch. Grumpy. Irritable. Cold. Today he's all smiles and touches. I am so confused.
"Breakfast in one minute, Chief. Hey, I could serve you breakfast in bed if you'd like." Jim looked at me expectantly, his eyes clear and happy.
I rolled my eyes. "I'm coming. I'm coming." I threw my legs over the side of the bed and grabbed my robe from the chair. I followed Jim, muttering, "I missed dinner last night. I'm starving."
"Oh, hey, Sandburg. I'm sorry about that. Stuff happens." Jim smiled again and patted my arm. He held on and, for a second, I thought he was going to hug me. I must have looked astonished, because he just grinned and pulled out a chair. "Sit. Food's all ready." Jim went to the stove and dished up a huge cheese and veggie omelet onto each plate. I watched while he piled slices of toast beside the eggs.
"Jim, man, what's up? Last night you didn't want anything to do with me and now you're all sweetness and light. My mind is not processing what's going on."
"Nothing's going on. Sandburg, you have the weirdest ideas sometimes. I had to work and there was no sense in both of us sitting up all night on a boring stakeout.” Jim grinned, setting the plate down in front of me with a flourish. "Viola! Omelets. Eat. You're a bit pale today." Jim sat down, spread a napkin on his lap and dug in.
We ate in silence for a few minutes before Jim asked, "Why did you miss dinner last night?"
I shrugged, shoveling in another bite. "Not hungry."
Jim pointed his fork at me. "Don't miss another meal, Sandburg. You're losing weight. I don't like it."
"Bite me." I ate a slice of toast and watched Jim finish his food.
Jim ignored my grown-up retort. "You want to help me wash the truck and put a coat of wax on it this afternoon? It's a beautiful day. We can do your car after we do mine."
"You want me to help you?" I asked in a surprised voice.
"Sure. Be fun. Just you and me, buddy. All the way." Jim grinned and after downing the last of his coffee, he grinned again. "You are my partner, aren't you?"
I rolled my eyes and smiled. "Yes, Jim. I am. I'd love to help you. I'll take a quick shower and then we'll do it."
"Great! I'll wash the dishes and you can put them away later."
"Jim," I whined.
"No way, Sandburg. We're partners, remember? I wash. You dry."
I laughed. "Okay, Jim. I do seem to remember something about us being partners. I'll get dressed and meet you downstairs in ten minutes."
"Okay, Chief." Jim rose and, after a quick squeeze on the back of my neck, he cleared the table in one trip.
I went to take a shower and wondered what fucking roller-coaster ride I was on now. One that ran through the fun house, I figured. Where the mirrors are all out of whack. I'm fat and wiggly one minute. The next minute I'm stretched and bent. I sighed and dressed, took two aspirin for my headache and then went out to help Jim.
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Two weeks passed. Jim took me out to dinner twice. He bought me a new coat after a perp ripped the sleeve off my best black leather jacket during a bust. He sent my mother flowers for her birthday unbeknownst to me until she called, laughing and happy, to thank him for his thoughtfulness. Jim did the laundry, all of it, mine included, without complaining about the amount of dirty clothes I managed to generate in a week.
Better still, he was warm and affectionate to me, constantly touching and laughing. When we walked down the street, his hand would travel to my shoulder where it would rest possessively. When we drove to work, his fingers would brush my hair lightly and he would squeeze the back of my neck tenderly. God, I was so happy. Jim cared about me. He treated me like I was special. I loved every second, but in the back of my mind, a little voice kept reminding me of what had happened before. How Jim had turned on me in a moment's notice. How he had been as cold as ice and twice as hard when he looked at me, and when he spoke to me. I prayed that whatever had caused those mood swings had passed and that we were now on an even keel. Seems like I was wrong.
"Go on home, Sandburg. I have work to finish," Jim said that afternoon in the bullpen.
My heart stopped and I felt a pain in my stomach. The tone of his voice was cool and distant.
"I can stay. I don't have anything else to do. You need help with the Gomez report."
"I can do it myself. I don't need any help. Go home." Jim turned his back on me and sat down at his desk. He pulled out a pen and started writing, ignoring me.
"Will you be home for dinner, Jim?" I asked, hating the tentative quality of my voice.
"No."
"But Jim…"
"Sandburg, am I not speaking English here? Why do you have to keep needling me? I have work to do. I'd like to have some peace and quiet in which to do it. Is that too much to ask?" Jim asked coldly.
"Sure, man. Whatever." I turned off my computer, threw on my jacket and with a sideways exasperated glance at Jim, I left.
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Six days later, things had gone from bad to worse. Sure, we still went to work every day. Both of us acted like we usually did around the bullpen and on the job. We were professionals and we had an obligation to serve and to protect, after all, but our home life sucked. I guess I should say, 'what home life?'"
It must have been midnight on a Thursday when Jim slipped through the front door. He quietly set his keys in the basket and glanced around. I could see the relief on his face while I watched from behind the curtain on the window of the door to my room. I bit my lower lip, knowing that the relief that shone on his face was because he thought I was already in bed and that he didn't have to deal with me.
I was immediately pissed. I hate losing my temper but tonight, I let loose. I threw open the door, shattering two panes of the glass. I didn't even glance at the pieces that went flying as I stomped out of my room to stand directly in front of my partner.
Jim looked startled for a second before his eyes glazed over and he tried to push past me.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Sandburg?" Jim said through clenched teeth, waving a hand at the broken glass.
I poked a finger at Jim. "I've had it! I'm fucking sick and tired of you treating me like shit! One week you're Mr. Wonderful and the next you're Attila the Hun! Get a grip! Make a decision! I just can't take it any more! Damn it, Ellison, I'm in love with you! Don't you get it?"
I stopped to take a breath. Jim advanced on me. He grabbed my arm and gave me a shake. "You have no clue what the hell you're talking about. I treat you like I've always treated you. I'm not your fucking mother!"
"That's low, Jim. You know very well what I mean. You make all kinds of excuses so you don't have to come home at night. You obviously don't want to be around me. I think I should leave."
"Sandburg, you're imagining things. Didn't we go camping two weekends ago? We spent three days together. Was I mean to you? Did I abuse you in some way? I think you have a serious problem with trust issues, Chief. Maybe you should talk to the department shrink."
"I have a serious problem with trust issues? I have?" My voice rose. I ran a hand through my hair. "Listen. That's exactly what I'm talking about! Two weekends ago we were practically joined at the hip. You were -- happy to be with me. We had fun. This week, you act like I have some contagious disease. You don't talk to me unless it's work-related. You don't -- oh, shit. Forget it. Just forget it."
"I don't what, Sandburg? I hate when you do that. Finish the sentence, damn it!" Jim's face was a mask of stone. "I don't what?"
I sighed. Looking Jim straight in the eye, I said, "You don't touch me. You act like if you get too close, you might want to get closer and that scares the shit out of you. Jim, be honest. How do you feel about me? About us?"
"What the fuck are you talking about? There is no 'us'. We're partners. We work well together. We're friends. There isn't any more."
"You're lying."
Jim glared. "I'm what?"
I stood tall and glared back. "You're lying."
"And what exactly am I lying about, Sandburg? Enlighten me, smart guy."
"I want you to say it, Jim. Tell me how you feel about me. I've told you how I feel about you."
Jim threw his hands out. "What? That little statement you slipped in earlier? You're in love with me? Get a clue, Chief. I'm not -- gay. You're not either, in case you hadn't noticed."
"Fuck you, man. I didn't say I was gay, I said I loved you. Geez, Jim. I don't care that you're a guy. You and I have – had -- something special. I used to want to be like you, looked up to you. I wanted your approval and then I wanted your love. Now I just want some space. I need to think. You're hurting me, Jim, and I can't handle it any more."
"Go. Run. You're as bad as your mother."
My mouth dropped open. I clamped it shut and turned away. I didn't look back but went into my room. The rage was suddenly gone, replaced by deep and painful hurt. I pulled a duffel bag from my closet and started stuffing clothes into it. I grabbed my old backpack and went into the bathroom. I grabbed my toiletries and tossed them into the backpack. Next I went to the coat rack. Dropping the duffel bag at my feet, I stowed my gun and shoulder holster in the backpack and zipped it up. I didn't look at Jim when I pulled my keys from the basket and made a trip down to my car with the bags.
After making sure the trunk was securely locked, I went back up and disconnected my laptop and printer. I'd need that for a lecture I was writing on police procedures for a night course I was teaching at Rainier. With the items under my arms, I made another trip down the stairs where the laptop and printer joined my duffel and backpack in the trunk. The third trip I made was with a box of my favorite books and the pictures of family and friends from the top of my dresser and from a shelf on the wall.
One more trip and I'd have enough stuff to get me over the hump. I'd come back for the rest in a few days and I'd make sure Jim wasn't at home when I returned. I couldn't take this any longer. I sighed, tired physically and drained emotionally. I wasn't paying much attention to anything but how depressed I felt when I opened the front door and started toward my room. I didn't notice that Jim was standing in my path until I plowed right into him. I automatically put up my hands and pressed them onto his chest. I pulled them away quickly as if I had been burned.
"Sorry," I muttered. I started to skirt around the mountain that is Jim Ellison when his hands encircled my wrists and clamped on tightly. Startled, I glanced up into his face. His eyes were so alive, it made me suck in my breath. Jim didn't speak but he tugged me over toward the sofa. My brain refused to work and my body felt like lead so he had to practically drag me to get me to move. Words flew out the window and my mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. What the hell was going on? I could tell he wasn't angry, but for the life of me, I couldn't decipher the look on his face.
Jim sat down. He hadn't released my wrists and with a gentle tug, he pulled me into his lap until I was sitting with my crotch pressed against his and my knees on either side of his thighs. He held my wrists tightly between us and stared into my face. I licked my lips and shifted just a bit. He sucked in his breath as our bodies brushed. Quickly, he dropped my hands and clamped a hand on either side of my face. I know I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights because he gave me the most endearing smile and pulled my face to his. Our lips touched. I held my breath while Jim's lips explored mine. After a gentle first kiss, he pulled back. Smiling, he said, "Breathe, Chief."
I huffed out a breath and pulled in another. Before I had the chance to exhale, Jim's hand cupped the back of my neck and he pressed our lips together forcefully. I clamped my hands on his shoulders while he kissed me hard. Jim's other hand circled around my back and pressed me against him. I wiggled my crotch against his, groaning at the sensation. I could feel the blood rushing from my head straight to my groin.
Jim's kisses were passionate and long. Using his tongue, he pushed my lips apart and invaded my mouth. I opened wide, trying to breathe through my nose. Jim held me firmly in his arms and never let up until I was whimpering. His tongue continued its trip around the inside of my mouth while his hardening penis pressed against mine. Jim moved his hand down to cup one of my ass cheeks. I whimpered again, pushing my hips forward at the touch. Jim grunted and finally, when the spots were dancing before my eyes, he released my mouth for a moment to allow me to catch my breath. He licked his lips and gave me what I can only call a hungry look. He growled. Honest to God, Jim Ellison growled and before I could even form a single-syllable word, our mouths were fused together again. I slumped in his arms and gave myself over to the wonderful sensation of Jim claiming my mouth for his own.
Skillfully, he tickled the ridges on the roof of my mouth before moving on to suck on my tongue. My fingers dug into his shoulders and I groaned deeply when he explored the insides of my cheeks and the sensitive skin on the inside of my lower lip. By now, my erection was so full it ached. Trapped in my jeans, I could only wiggle my hips and butt, rubbing against Jim for the little bit of friction I could get.
Jim was relentless. He held me firmly and kissed me ardently. I shuddered deeply from head to toe, helpless in his hands. My body must have alerted Jim's senses that I was right on the edge. Jim moved back a fraction, separating our mouths. He grinned at me and with the palm of his hand he rubbed me through my jeans.
"Oh, God! Jim!" I shouted before holding my breath and coming forcefully. Jim's arms wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me close, holding me tightly and whispering into my ear.
"That was good, Sandburg. So good. You smell hot and salty. You look wonderful with your eyes full of passion." He rained light kisses on the side of my face, around my ear and down my neck. "You are so beautiful," he whispered, suckling my ear lobe gently, nibbling the sensitive skin.
I shivered in his embrace, panting against the side of his neck until I finally could breathe a little more slowly. I managed to sit up to look into Jim's face.
"Jim, that was mind-blowing," I said breathlessly.
Jim smiled at me and ran the back of his fingers down the side of my face, peeling away a few strands of sweaty hair. I grinned and slid back until I was kneeling on the floor. Our eyes were locked and neither of us said anything. I reached over and popped the button on Jim's pants. His eyes closed while I slowly slid down the zipper. The metallic sound echoed in the silence of the loft. He shivered and opened his eyes. His hand grabbed my wrist, forestalling my next action.
"I want to see you," Jim said softly. "Please."
I sat back on my heels. "Jim, man. You made me come in my jeans like a teenager. There isn't much to see right now."
He laughed. "Want to see you anyway. If that's okay."
"Sure, Jim." I went to my knees. Jim watched closely while I slowly unbuttoned the jeans and unzipped. I pushed the pants, along with my boxers, down around my thighs and ducked my head, blushing I'm sure.
Jim's hand reached out and he tenderly cupped my genitals. "You're perfect, Chief."
I laughed nervously. "I'm sticky, Jim."
"Yeah, I know." Jim pulled his hand away and brought it to his mouth, licking the residual essence from his palm. "You taste sweet, my love."
"Oh, God!" I whispered huskily. Forgetting that my dick and balls were flapping in the breeze and with my pants bunched around my knees, I launched myself at him clumsily. Kneeling beside him on the sofa, I wrapped an arm around his neck and I kissed him for all I was worth. When Jim's mouth opened, I dove in, exploring, tasting, licking, sucking. My free hand roamed his chest until I wiggled my hand under his shirt. I tweaked his nipples until they were hard pebbles. Only when he was thrusting his hips and digging his fingers into my waist did I release his mouth and pull back.
Sliding to my feet, I managed not to fall flat on my face when my pants slipped down around my feet. With another goal in mind, I ignored them and grabbed the waistband of Jim's pants, tugging hard. He lifted his hips, allowing the firm, thick erection to spring free. Jim was beautiful, just like I knew he would be. Without any preamble, I fell to my knees, leaned forward, wrapped a hand around the base and sucked the head into my mouth, murmuring appreciatively.
Jim's fingers entangled in my hair and he pushed my head down. "Shit!" he shouted. "Blair!"
I sucked hard, tonguing the slit and using my teeth gently. One hand worked part of his hardness that I couldn't fit into my mouth while the other cupped and gently rolled his balls. It wasn't long before Jim made a strange, gurgling sound. I glanced up. His head fell back, his mouth hung open and his hands flung to his sides. I barely had time to register his reaction when his dick surged in my mouth and hand, spurting long and hard.
"Blaaaiiiirrr," he wailed softly, trembling. His hands clenched. He spread his legs wide and shook while I sucked until he was limp. I bestowed a few gentle kisses to his soft organ before I leaned back on my heels and wiped the dribbles of semen that had escaped from the corners of my mouth on the back of my hand.
Jim raised his head and he gave me a deadly serious look. I had a brief moment of panic. He moved so quickly that I barely had time to scuttle back and drop to my ass. Jim fell to his knees and grabbed me. He pulled me close and was almost sobbing when he spoke.
"Blair! God help me, Blair, but I love you. So much! More than life itself. Don't ever leave me. Please, Chief. I love you! I'll tell the world. I'll do whatever you want. I need you with me." His voice cracked and his shoulders shook.
I wrapped my arms around Jim's waist and buried my face in his chest. I took a couple of shaky breaths before I said, "Jim, believe me when I say I love you, very much, but I can't love you and live with you if you're the least bit -- ashamed of our relationship. I don't expect you to shout it from the rooftops. Hell, I know how some people at the station would react, but I do expect you to cherish what we have. Can you do that? In your heart, can you accept us being together?"
I turned my face upward so that I could look directly at Jim. I needed to see his eyes. I needed to know exactly how he felt about me and about what we had just shared. I would never accept a buddy fuck relationship. I was too much in love for games. With my heart on the line, I waited.
Jim placed the palm of his hand under my chin. He was very serious when he said, "I'm not going to lie to you, Blair, and tell you I'm not scared, because I am. I'm scared shitless, but I promise you this. I'll never be ashamed of you and what we share. I'll always be proud to have you as my partner, on the force and at home. Always." Jim kissed me gently, sealing his vow. "If I need a bit of reminding every once in a while, Chief, just let me know. I'm an old soldier, Blair. I'm set in my ways. If you're willing to have me, I'd be honored."
"Oh, Jim," I said. "I want you so much! I understand how things would look at the station if people knew we were intimate. I remember when you busted Frohichi and Morris last year for beating Jones just for being a lesbian. I understand all of that. But Jim, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want a fast fuck."
"No. No fast fucks. No one night stands. No other lovers. I'm sorry. I've been a real ass. I've been in love with you for months now, but I was such a coward. I tried to deny how I felt about you, but I can't do it any more. I don't want to. I want you. In my life and in my bed. Please," he added softly, "don't leave."
"I won't leave, Jim. We'll work this out. We have to. I love you too much to live without you, but I would have if you didn't want -- this." I nodded toward our partially naked bodies. "No other lovers, ever. Only you, Jim. Only you. I swear it."
Jim's arms squeezed me tight. I must have grunted because he released me and blushed. "Sorry."
"Jim, man," I laughed, "I'm not some light-weight partner you have to worry about hurting. You just caught me by surprise there for a second. I'm a guy, in case you hadn't noticed. You can be -- a bit rough with me. I won't break. In fact, I'd enjoy it." I grinned.
Jim smiled in return and ruffled my messy hair. "Okay, Chief. Point taken. I should warn you, though, that I'm a hopeless romantic. I'll probably bring you flowers and breakfast in bed. I'll want to wash your hair and oil your body."
"Oh, man. Oil my body? When? Now?" I blurted out, making Jim laugh deeply. I laughed, loving the way the crinkles around his eyes deepened.
"You are such a slut, Sandburg."
"Blair."
"What?"
"Geez, Jim. We're on intimate terms. You can use my first name, you know." I smiled and teasingly added, "…and not only when you're having a mind-blowing orgasm or begging my forgiveness."
Jim laughed again. "God, Chief. I do love you. Now let's go and shower."
"Let's? As in both of us?"
"If you'd like."
"Oh, hell yes. I'd like! Cool! This will be fun."
Jim rose and, after hiking up his pants, he pulled me to my feet. His hands moved down and he tenderly held my genitals in them. I groaned when he squeezed gently. "It will be fun, I promise. Come on." Dropping his hands, he gave me a dazzling smile.
My heart did a double flip at the passionate look on Jim's face. I hiked up my jeans so that I could walk without falling on my face. Jim led the way and turned on the bathroom light. He glanced over his shoulder at me and I had to laugh at the wicked grin on his face. "Oh, Blllaaaiirrr," he drawled seductively, "why don't you grab that new bottle of olive oil? It's extra virgin," he added with a chuckle.
I grabbed the bottle and quickly followed my lover. This was going to be more than fun. This was going to be wonderful.
The End